5 Tips for Parenting Adolescents: Part 3
In part two we examined how to deal with negativity in one’s
adolescent. Part three is about the parent’s need for control and how to make
productive adjustments.
1.
Give up Control
·
Not many people would label themselves as
‘controlling’. Certainly not when they can put such acceptable and positive
terms to it. “I would do anything to help my son”, “I’m just trying to make
sure they don’t get into trouble”, “They never would do their homework or their
chores if I didn’t remind them”. “They are so lazy”. “My daughter just won’t
let up until I let her stay up late, have the newest this or that, etc.”
·
Control is not always what you think. Sometimes
it is the traditional kind, meaning I believe I am helping you by getting you
to do or think what I think you should do or think. Sometimes the form of
control is so insidious that it looks like the opposite of control. This means
that enabling someone, which is permitting someone to do something unhealthy
for themselves and then stepping in and preventing them from experiencing the
consequences, is also a form of control. Why is this control? Because the
message is that I don’t believe you can be responsible for yourself. It says
that you can’t make wise choices for yourself and you need me to take care of
you. It’s more insidious because it intends to control another while luring
them into thinking that they are not being controlled, rather they are being
“helped”. Odd how often people end up resenting this type of “help”, isn’t it ?
·
There is a common misconception that control is
a normal and necessary part of parenting. This is a confusion of one’s
responsibilities to develop, train, educate, discipline and guide a child. The
misconception develops because when children are young they need a great deal
of direct guidance, which should naturally lessen as the child develops into a
fully functioning and self-responsible adult. The adolescent years are that
middle stage, in which the child is moving toward adult but is not there yet.
They do still need much of the parent’s guidance and influence and as well as
discipline and structure, but the form of it needs to evolve in order to grow
and expand the child’s capacities to take on these areas for themselves. Thus
the need to show respect and to listen and to invite the child into
maturity.
·
Letting go of control involves confronting your
unrealistic and sometimes irrational beliefs that your child will mess things
up irrevocably or that they can’t succeed without you or maybe that you can’t
be okay without them! This last one is about how many parents have formed much
of their identity around their parenting role and won’t dare to face the fear
and loss that comes with their children becoming independent. Of course the
only thing worse than your child leaving you is in this case not leaving you, and not developing
maturity.
·
If your child is not succeeding, or has gotten
into trouble, this is not the signal that increased control is the solution. If
could have something to do with the height of your expectations or a number of
other factors. But, if you believe that it is a signal to increase control, it
indicates that you really don’t believe in your child’s capacities and
abilities or their heart. And that means that either you don’t know them very
well, or that you have not developed them as they needed. It doesn’t mean that
it’s too late. Hardly! But it does mean you have to face the issue honestly and
change your direction, so that you can
know their heart and their gifting and so that you can be invested in their development. Also, this may involve
repentance on your part. To acknowledge to your child and to God the ways you
have not believed in them or invested in them and your intention to do it
different.
·
If you have tendencies in either of these
directions – to control directly or indirectly – I would recommend addressing
the issues in you that are behind this need. This could be an arena in which
counseling would be beneficial.
In part four, we will address how to balance between short
and long term goals.
Matt W. Sandford,
LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
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