What Freud Got Right: Oedipus Complex
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
There he was at six years old running to welcome me home
with open arms. His warm embrace and
excitement over greeting me filled my heart with overwhelming joy. Our son dominated my greeting making sure
that my husband did not get close and when he did, he immediately jumped
in-between our embrace. He spoke of all
the things he did desperately seeking my approval and interrupted any
conversation my husband and I attempted to have. It was adorable and I loved every minute of
it but was not right.
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis and
psychosexual development, coined the phrase Oedipus Complex to describe the sexual
attraction a child has for their parent.
He believed that every child wants to have sex with their parent,
usually the parent of the opposite sex, and this is why they naturally desire
to please or get the attention of said parent.
While I do not agree with the sexual component, there is some truth in a
child seeking the attention of one parent to the detriment of the other. It is almost as if there is some sort of
unspoken competition between the child and the same sex parent where the child
uses whatever means necessary to win the competition. This unfortunately can include using both
good and bad behavior to draw attention.
So what can you do?
Well the first step is to realize what is happening which means that you
need to observe your child’s behavior as an outsider looking in on the
family. Step back and see if your child
is physically getting in-between you and your spouse, if they are interrupting,
if they demand attention, and if they play on the deficiencies of the same sex
spouse. For instance, if you and your
spouse are not physical with hugs and kisses, is your child excessively hugging
and kissing the opposite sex parent? Or
if you and your spouse don’t talk very much, is your child excessively trying
to engage you in conversation?
So what do you think?
Now that you realize what is going on, please understand that this is
normal childhood behavior. A daughter
will do this with her father and a son will do this with his mother; there is
nothing unnatural about it except for your reaction. It is naturally pleasing to have such
unconditional love and admiration from your child and more than likely you will
encourage it with your reaction. But if
you allow your child to come in-between you and your spouse, they will only
learn even better how to manipulate others and in the end, this is not a good
character trait. The opposite is also
true for if you reject your child’s behavior, they will transfer that rejection
onto future relationships in a never-ending desire to seek love and approval
from wherever they can find it.
So what can you say?
Discuss this issue with your spouse and agree together on how to handle
it with your child. The first step is to
acknowledge your spouse first and then your child each and every time you enter
a room. This subtle message is not a
rejection of the child but rather a placement of importance on your
marriage. Your marriage should come
first before your child as eventually your child will grow up and leave one day
and you will be left with your spouse.
Two individuals cannot become one in a marriage if a child is in the
middle. The second step is to be more
physically affectionate with your spouse than your child, reserving only
certain types of kissing and hugging for your spouse. This teaches your child that there is a
difference between the two. The last
step is to make decisions together as a couple regarding your child, the words,
“I need to talk to your mother or father first” should become a standard in
your household.
Too often a parent’s response to negative behavior from
their child is to think there is something wrong with them. If your child is suffering from an Oedipus Complex,
their negative behavior is an attempt to get the attention of the opposite sex
parent. By giving your child attention
after your spouse, they will learn to trust in receiving the attention and be
less likely to repeat the negative behavior.
Freud got this concept right as it is repeated over and over in
households and is the unnecessary cause of much frustration and tension. By realizing that what your child is
experiencing is normal and modifying your behavior, your child will naturally
adjust theirs.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.