5 Tips for Parenting Adolescents: Part 1
By: Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
Life inherently contains many stressful situations. When you
have kids, you multiply the number of stressful situations by a lot, and when
they reach adolescence, the number usually goes through the roof. Besides, parenting
can be more even challenging if you actually want to do well at it! Meaning you
are probably trying hard at it (you are reading an article on parenting after
all). You are to be commended. In light of the Olympics, there should be a
medal for parenting these days. (In actuality, there is the medal of children
who become honorable, virtuous adults). I’d like to offer five broad stroke
perspectives that I believe are relevant and helpful for maneuvering through
the jungle that is raising adolescents successfully. And successful does not
mean just to “survive” it, although it may often feel like that. I know you
long for it to be more than just that, and I believe it can be. I’ve broken
down the five points into a five part series. Here is tip number 1.
1.
Find other outlets for managing your stress
·
Many of us, when stressed out, focus on the
object of our stress more and more. We think that the way to reduce our stress
must be about pushing harder, as we see the cause of our stress as a problem to
be solved - and the sooner the better! In the case of parenting teens, this
means we interpret our teen as the problem to be solved. Let me assure you that
seeing a person as a problem to be solved does not bring about satisfying
results in any relationship. Parenting is fundamentally about a relationship,
not a task. And we are more likely to develop this task-oriented approach when
our stress level has reached unmanageable proportions.
·
Therefore, find some other ways to address and
reduce your stress. Maybe one of them would be to create some space between you
and your teen. Let me caution you against utilizing this approach as a weapon
to shame or punish or manipulate your child. Do not make it their fault that
you need some time. Focus on owning your stress level and your emotional state.
Adults benefit from “time outs” too. And stepping away when you are upset or
burned out models respect because you can explain that you are getting upset
and yet you don’t want to say anything hurtful. And remember, I said that
parenting is about relationship, and so creating space when you need to is not
about retreat or escape. You do need to come back. And come back with the
renewed energy and hopefulness that refreshment can provide. Think about some
ways that you can address your stress level. If you need ideas, check out our
website at www.lifeworksgroup.org
·
Although you have now reduced your stress
somewhat, your child is still going to do and be the same person, meaning they
are going to continue to frustrate and aggravate and confuse you in the same
ways. The point here is not to simply continue to pull away, take care of
yourself and reduce your stress only to have it shoot up in the next day or so again.
This would only encourage the escape mentality. What we all need is a more
effective way to come back and manage the stress that is always there.
·
Managing the stress that is always there
involves reshaping our perceptions and thoughts and building resiliency. This
does not mean that we just put more pressure on ourselves to hang in there or
figure it out. Many folks are on a never ending treadmill, working to make
themselves better by just gritting their teeth and trying harder. This approach produces a cycle of disappointment
and renewed efforts that invariably lead to burn out.
·
Reshaping
our perceptions and thoughts is not easy work. It means that sometimes we get
stressed and worked up by situations because of how we interpret them rather
than what is actually there. Say my daughter comes home in a bad mood and
ignores me when I greet her and heads to her room. I feel anger and head after
her to confront her rudeness, and an argument ensues, which leaves me feeling
unsettled and stressed out for awhile. I interpreted her moodiness and lack of
acknowledgement to me as rudeness that needed to be confronted. Yet, the
meaning of her mood and her behavior may have had completely different motives,
ones that were not intending disrespect.
·
We all have an internal dialogue, and there is a
lot going on in there. But when we are stressed we are more prone to skip the
dialogue and jump to the conclusion. We are in a hurry to get internal
emotional relief, and we believe that an external solution will provide it.
Besides, most of us are not well trained in tuning in to their internal
dialogue. This is a lot of what the pulling away suggestion is to be about. Pull
away so that you can sort through your thoughts and feelings.
·
Lastly, separate out the different sources of
your stress. If you are experiencing a high level of stress from a job
situation or your financial state or your relationship with your spouse, then
what you need is to address that separately. Recognize that you are bringing
that stress into your parenting and that it is “gumming up the works”. Find a
way to reduce one of these other stressors and see if that doesn’t bring some
energy and clarity to your parenting.
In part two of the series we’ll take a look at how to
address negativity in your adolescent.
Matt W. Sandford,
LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
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