Why Some People Never Learn to Trust Others
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
Have you ever wondered why some people cannot seem to trust
anyone? Maybe you are married to someone
who despite all of your positive efforts of encouragement still struggles with
being able to trust you. Maybe you have
a friend who automatically distrusts everyone they come in contact with
including supposed safe categories of people such as the police or a
pastor. Or maybe you have a child who
mistrusts everything you say. Regardless
of any positive outcomes, they remain steadfast in mistrust.
There are some concepts that psychology does really well and
some that it tragically falls short but one that has stood the test of time is
Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development. The first stage from birth to eighteen months
is Trust vs. Mistrust and it is the foundational stage upon which all future
issues lie. If a person learns to trust
others for feeding, nurturing, comfort, and safety during this time, then they
will have an easier time trusting others in the future. But if they don’t learn to trust, then the
foundation has been laid for a lifetime of mistrust.
The Psychology. Simply put, Erikson concluded that all babies
by their nature need to trust someone to care for them as they are incapable of
self-care between birth and eighteen months.
During these foundational years, a baby must rely on crying to
communicate all needs: food, comfort, pain, nurturing, and safety. It is the responsibility of the caretaker
(hopefully the parent) to meet those needs in a loving manner. If the infant fails to have his/her needs met
then they learn not to trust their caretaker for meeting their basic needs.
The Child. A child who learns to trust the caretaker to
meet the most basic needs now is capable of trusting them even further to
meeting his/her wants and desires. On
the other hand, a child who learns to mistrust the caretaker fails to develop
any further trust and subsequently has a difficult time attaching to the
caretaker. There is an unnatural
distance between the caretaker and the child as neither one engages with the
other, it is a distance that only grows as the child grows. But a child who has learned to trust will
naturally run to the caretaker whenever there is trouble and the bond between
the two is unmistakable.
The Adult. As a trusting adult, the evidence of trust
will be seen in many relationships but most evident in a marriage
relationship. However, if the adult as a
child attached only to the same sex parent, they may struggle with trusting
someone of the opposite sex, the same is true in reverse. More obvious is the adult who never learned
to trust anyone as a child, now struggles with trusting friends, family,
colleagues, spouse, children, and especially the spouse’s family.
The Cure. Just because someone grew up in an
environment where they learned not to trust anyone, does not mean this must be
permanent. It does mean that it will be
a struggle or even an ongoing battle but it can be overcome with hard work, time
and energy. Learning to trust God is one
of the best ways to conquer mistrust and while this may seem counter-intuitive,
it does work. In some ways, God is
easier to trust than humans because He is not human but supernatural so the old
wiring that says people cannot be trusted does not apply. God also provides a safe environment free
from criticism or rejection. But for
some, this is a hard concept to grasp as every fiber in their being tells them
that if they cannot trust a caregiver, how can they trust God? So instead it becomes a leap of faith that is
too big or scary. For the others that
take the leap of faith and trust in God, their trust extends slowly to others
as time has passed and evidence has been gained that some people can be
trusted.
The next time you run across someone who has a hard time
trusting others, spend a bit of energy in understanding their perspective and
try to see life from their point of view.
You will frequently find some trauma in the early years between birth
and eighteen months that justifies their position. So, don’t give up on them, trust them first
and be a light to others who are trying to find their way in a sea of mistrust.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.