Marriage is Harder When You are Married to an Unmotivated Man
Right now, you know a woman working at least two
jobs, (not counting parenting children and running a household), who is married
to an unmotivated man. It may be a co-worker, a sister, a neighbor or friend,
but you know this woman. These women have a major problem, they believe they
really love the guy on the couch who just can’t or won’t keep a job. This
causes another major problem, because they don’t want their children to suffer
or do without the basics, like new shoes, school supplies or playing little
league. And so, they do the only thing they think they can do - they work, and
work and then they work some more.
Obviously not every man who is temporarily out of work is an
unmotivated man who makes life miserable for his wife. In fact, a highly
motivated man will always find something to do to support his family during
tough times so his wife usually feels emotionally secure that he will provide
for her and the kids. This article isn’t about guys who dig in during tough
times to live out the words of their wedding vows to be there, ‘in sickness and
in health, for richer- for poorer’, no this article is about a very different
kind of marriage, and one that gets much worse during difficult economic times.
Let’s start by looking at some major problems this exhausted woman faces, and
then a third problem that is often overlooked.
First, what’s up with the guy on the couch who isn’t
providing enough income to meet the needs of his family? What makes guys like
this so unmotivated? Well, some guys are just lazy. They grew up without any
self-discipline, or self-respect, and they just won’t keep gainful employment.
They marry someone to take over where their mother left off. They expect hot
meals, clean clothes, healthy children, the bills to be paid, and someone to
function as an attractive personal assistant, but they refuse to give back to
the relationship. This type of marriage isn’t a partnership at all, it’s sort
of like the medieval system of a master and peasant, and the woman is basically
expected to be a slave to meet his every need. It is 100% about him and 0% left
for her.
Then there is another group of unmotivated men, simply put,
the ‘losers’. They may have failed in their education, or failed in their
career aspirations, and have just given up on finding a good job to meet the
needs of their family. Some guys in this group will go out to work at a job
well below their potential just to avoid feeling like a failure again, which is
better than nothing, yet eventually the bills will overshadow the gap in their
income, leading to another major financial failure if they don’t change.
The last group of unmotivated men aren’t lazy or
losers they just never learned which career path to take so they take the first
job available. They may work hard for years, but will struggle to get ahead
because they haven’t found career coaches, leaders, or mentors to guide them in
moving up the career ladder. They end up being unmotivated because they
feel the desperation of being alone yet often are just too afraid to seek out
help to discover their career strengths, so they slowly sink financially, while
watching other more motivated guys get ahead.
Mark Twain said, “If the truth hurts- it should.” Women
married to an unmotivated man often don’t want to hear the truth about their
husband. They may fiercely defend his lack of employment, his bad luck with
bosses, speak up about how he loves the kids but just doesn’t have time for
them, because once they openly acknowledge that their husband is an unmotivated
man, it makes it real, and once it’s real, it means that something has to
change. It’s hard to face this reality, and it’s hard to confront a man
they care about, so to avoid the risk of hurting his feelings they just carry
the burdens inside.
Financial challenges quickly force things out into the open
that might have gone unnoticed in a better economy. Unmotivated men are a big
one. Exhausted women feel desperate when they reach the end of their financial
rope. When she runs out of options a woman must face a painful reality. Get
honest about the problems caused by the unmotivated man in her life and then
confront them boldly, or silently find some negative way to cope, (like
overeating). She will slowly and silently drown in her sadness if someone close
to the situation doesn’t step in to ask some direct questions and offer real
help. This isn’t about blame shifting or attacking a man’s character as
a human being, it’s about the basic financial reality of a shared financial
partnership to run a family together. It’s about sharing marital responsibility
instead of dumping everything onto an exhausted women going through life alone
like a single parent, (except she just happens to be legally married to a
non-producer who financially drags her down).
No one likes conflict, but this type of relationship problem
can’t improve without direct communication and confrontation. Most women won’t
be able to do this alone, because most women have tried many ways to get their
unmotivated husband to change and it didn’t work. So if talking to him doesn’t
work, a woman has to have some back-up to confront in a way the unmotivated man
can begin to hear. Be sensitive to this tired woman, she needs someone to help
her turn her husband around, but she doesn’t need to be judged or criticized.
If you want to really help her, don’t blame, just point out the realities of
the situation and ask how you can help.
Sometimes it may involve the unmotivated man having someone come alongside to
create a step by step approach of accountability that includes building
confidence through attending men’s groups, leadership events, personal
development seminars, career coaching, or retreats on learning new skills as a
healthy husband and father. The information for unmotivated men to change is
available- it’s out there. He still must be the one to go out and seek it.
Often, he won’t begin to change until being hit with some very hard realities.
The most severe that he may lose everything of value to him if he doesn’t take
bold action to turn things around for his family before it’s too late.
When a man learns how to be a motivated leader things can
turn around rapidly, and no matter how deep the recession, if a husband and
wife are working together they will not just survive, they will thrive from
being partners pulling together through the toughest of times, instead of
slowly drifting apart. Someone you know is the woman in this article.
May these words challenge you to reach out with a gentle heart to let her know
that she is not alone and that she can count on you for support as she takes
action to finally end the problems that come from being married to an
unmotivated man.
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