Life Coach or Life Partner?: How To Tell If You Are Dating A Real Man or a Man-Child
How To Tell If You Are Dating a Real Man or a Man-Child
by
Dwight Bain, LMHC, NCC, & Certified Life Coach
If maturity is about growing up, accepting responsibility, and building a meaningful life, then it must be rare. This according to many women who have shared how they felt more like the life coach or ‘mommy’ to a guy who just won’t grow up.
You know the type – good looking, fun personality, great talker – but emotionally unavailable and irresponsible. Not marriage material. When some women figure out the relationship is never going to progress toward marriage and kick out the ‘man child’ who doesn’t want to leave, it can explode into a cultural conversation of what is and is not acceptable in expectations about dating. Consider Lauren, who broke up with her ‘man-child’ and posted it, which sparked over 36 million views and 39,000 comments. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/woman-breakup-tiktok-man-child-b2549858.html
Why aren’t some guys ready for grown up commitment in their 20’s, 30’s or even by their 40’s? Listen, high school was a fun time for some, painful for others, but for most it was a long time ago, so why is #Adulting so hard for them? For starters no one is born into being a responsible adult. It’s a process - one that goes faster when a guy has a healthy father, or grandfather as a role model. Some guys grow up and never see a responsible man leading his family, and only have TV images of what being a husband or dad is about and no one wants to build their future with someone aspiring to become Homer Simpson, George Bluth, Sr., or Al Bundy. To quote humorist Dave Barry, “You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
Manhood is developed by building life skills to manage adult responsibility – and it’s not an easy process. Some cultures have rituals to go from boy to man, but modern-day America has abandoned most of those, leaving some guys struggle and try and figure it out on their own, or worse, to mentally check out with video games, porn, and junk food to escape the reality of growing up. Sort of like a modern-day Peter Pan trying to escape becoming an adult like Captain Hook, who himself is terrified by the ticking ‘crocodile’ of time and trying to escape. J.M. Barrie wrote the Peter and Wendy story over one hundred years ago, so the fear of growing up to make adult choices isn’t new.
How can you tell if you are in the role of a life coach or are on the path to becoming a life partner? Here are some key indicators to look for, and hopefully spark a deep level of conversation with whoever you are dating about building a serious relationship on the foundation of maturity and responsibility.
This one should be easy, but the popularity of reality TV
shows like the Bachelor, the Bachelorette, or Bachelor in Paradise seem to
place being ‘hot’ above being emotionally stable with strong character.
Notice these shows are about the excitement of connecting with a romantic
partner, not about the sometimes-boring tasks of daily life, like taking out
recycling on Tuesday or helping fold laundry. Not sure many people would watch
a cute couple shopping at Whole Foods for dinner after taking the dog to the vet.
Daily life requires a lot of emotional awareness and impulse control since life
often doesn’t go the way you think it might. When things don’t work out, are
they patient and kind, or moody and complaining? Managing words and moods reflect
character development, or as psychologist Henry Cloud says, “The mature
person meets the demands of life, while the immature person demands that life
meet her demands.”
2. Look out for Lies, Deception and Excuses
Someone told me a dating app that worked like a lie detector might solve the man-child dating dilemma. Basically, it would reveal a credit score, any DUI’s, or STD’s, along with employment history and any red flags from former dating partners. Not sure guys would sign up for that app but am quite sure having their character out in the open would help on the path to building a future together. Challenge yourself and your dating partner by fleshing out expectations. Sure, talk about sex, romance and bucket-list travel destinations. Then balance that by talking about debt, savings accounts and how well they get along with their mother. Or at an even deeper level, if they would step in as a caregiver for an aging parent if needed. You can learn a lot about a person by noticing what they don’t want to talk about. This isn’t a topic for a first date, but talking about difficult topics is what grownups do and it’s hard. Skipping tough topics can lead to serious conflict, which may be why so many guys don’t want to talk, and if you only are looking for romance, why you might not want to talk about it either. Or as Idrissa Akuna Elba says, “Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why women wear makeup and men lie.” @Idriselba
How can you tell if he is responsible? Consider how he drives the car – speeding and zipping in and out of traffic like a NASCAR race can tell you a lot about his impulse control. Reckless driving might indicate reckless behavior in other parts of life. Yep, the speed limit can feel boring on a long trip, but someone in the Department of Transportation decided that speed would be safe for everyone. An adult follows the rules, while a teenage driver doesn’t. That’s why adolescents pay the most for car insurance. Perhaps GEICO has figured out what you haven’t. Reckless driving might indicate recklessness in other areas of their life as well. Pastor Rick Warren teaches, “Maturity is when you live your life by your commitments, not by your feelings.” A man has figured out what he believes and lives out those beliefs in daily decisions.
Finally, to test if you are dating a man, or a man child notice if he knows it all, has extreme ego. If you notice gaps, consider if you are dating a guy who is unaware, but teachable, or just doesn’t care. Does he know that he doesn’t know it all? Is he reading, watching TED talks, going to counseling or seeking out mentors to help him ‘man up? In the words of Alexi Pappas, "Asking for help is a superpower anyone can have but only some people use. It is brave to ask for help. Asking for help is the first step toward finding a mentor. Mentors can help us change our lives if we let them."
A life coach can change a life, and coaching is essential if you want to build a successful life. However, you don’t marry your life coach, you marry a life partner. And a lifelong relationship requires a lifelong commitment to grow, stretch, change, and become one. It’s a deeply spiritual journey that considers the ultimate reality of ‘till death do us part’. A lifetime together is not like an action-adventure movie where the guy acts macho and says he is willing to die for her by fighting evil. No, it’s bigger than that because it is watching a man transformation day by day through dying to himself to serve others. That’s the man we all respect and admire and that’s the man you want to marry.
Dwight Bain is a
Nationally Certified Counselor and author who married his best friend over
thirty years ago. He and Sheila live in Orlando and are still growing into one.
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