When the Other Shoe Drops

 By: Elizabeth McKeehan, LMHC

When the Other Shoe Drops…

 

Surviving the unthinkable. Extreme loss & hard happen.

 When multiple tragedies happen all at once or close together what do you do?

 

What is shoe dropping, much less the other one? Is it even possible in this life to keep both shoes on? Who does it happen to? When does bad happen?  What if more bad happens when things are already bad? What happens in our brains and body? How can we keep moving forward? How can we support those in it?

 

If Haley Joel Osment’s famous line (from the 1999 movie The Sixth Sense) “I see dead people” has become your mantra of “I see devastating/doom/danger/dreadful/dark/deplorable things”, this may be a sign you have experienced more than your share of compound loss. You may be experiencing PTSD symptoms and your body may be feeling the weight of carrying too much trauma. Notice and pay attention to what your body is saying.

 

Trauma = Unexpected; out of the ordinary; creates long lasting problems; substantially interrupt personal narrative (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1995;2006).

 

I write this article as someone who has had both shoes drop in a short time span.  My husband of almost 18 years died by suicide in 2014, then mom got cancer in 2016 and dad got ALS in 2017 and died in 2018. That was a lot in a span of 4 years for me and my family to process. Sadly, my story of multiple losses is not unique, my friend Karen’s parents both died within 11 days of each other early in the year and her middle son died tragically later that same year.  In the spring of 2020, my friend Lucinda nearly lost her ex-husband to Covid and within the same month her daughter tragically died. Later that year she found out her granddaughter would be born with spina bifida and in December 2021 her house was destroyed by a massive tornado! December 2021, a tornado abolished whole neighborhoods and hundreds of homes in my small hometown of Princeton, KY and the neighboring towns of Dawson Springs and Mayfield. In my small hometown alone, there are too many untold stories of compound loss to detail. 

 

I mention my two friends, Karen and Lucinda, because I have seen them walk the unimaginable. I have also seen them rally together (even virtually) as moms and women who get one another’s pain. I, too, know the value of walking with others who uniquely and personally understand my loss.  My group of women was Rhonda, Brenda, and Allison who also lost pastor husbands to suicide within the same year. They along with our seasoned suicide survivor (7 years ahead of us) counselor/friend leader Susan have been an incredible source of encouragement these past 8 years. With young children at the time and new lives to figure out we found great comfort in each other and knowing we were not alone.  It has become so clear to me how important it is to have support with people who understand our losses or pain.  Support groups are invaluable!

 

Who experiences the unimaginable? When does it happen?

 

Me, you, your friend, your neighbor…no one is immune to tragedy, illness or death.  More than half of the population experiences trauma at some point in their life. We also don’t get to pick the timing of any of it, that’s why many tragedies and losses can hit at once or get crammed together in a short time frame.  Life happens out of our control. There is no free pass on pain or loss, nor is there a timetable, nor is there a STOP button to push when it becomes excessive. Life can be extremely sad, scary and fear-inducing. It is not a question of if the unimaginable will happen, but when. Life is not a cake walk. Jesus himself declares in John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  We live in the space of gut-wrenching pain, heartache, tragedy, and unimaginable loss, but with a knowing and assurance that this is not the final word.  If we believe in Jesus, we can have hope right here and right now in this world of trouble and definitely hope in the coming heaven where we are promised in Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe ever tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Apparently, “fear not” is the most repeated command in the Bible. Thankfully, God understands our human tendencies and limited perspectives.

 

What happens to our brain and bodies when we experience the worst-case scenario or trauma?

(I have borrowed and blended some of the wording of Rhonda Kelloway, LCSW,SEP at Life Care Wellness taken from her article:

https://life-care-wellness.com/understanding-what-trauma-does-to-the-brain-helps-you-heal/)

 

Trauma can be simply defined as any experience that is perceived as life-threatening. The body can become too overwhelmed to cope. The brain senses threat and automatically releases the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol and moves into a fight or flight or freeze responses. The body pauses all other functions to assist in its focus and survival. The pre-frontal cortex part of the frontal lobe of the brain shuts down and this is the executive functioning part of the brain. This area controls higher level thinking such as decision-making, problem-solving, and self-control.  The amygdala part of the brain stores the traumatic memory, but not in a connected narrative story-line like other events in life. The amygdala stores the emotional significance as experienced by our five senses. This memory is fragmented into visual images, smells, sounds, tastes and touches.  Anything that triggers these fragmented pieces of the memory can create a heightened bodily response that the brain mistakes as dangerous and can cause a re-living of the initial trauma. Even after the traumatic event, it has left its’ mark mentally, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.

 

Treating and Healing from Trauma

(There is no one size fits all remedy. It often takes a combination approach to see what works best. You and your therapist can determine what best suits your needs.)

 

With trauma-focused therapy, the traumatic event is acknowledged and integrated into your life rather than minimized or removed from it.

 

EMDR is a helpful therapy as it helps the brain process the fragmented pieces into a narrative or story.

Somatic Experiencing works to address the physiological memory of the traumatic event as it is stored in the body and can help with nervous system regulation.

Yoga & Mindfulness help in raising self-awareness of where emotion (trauma) is stored in the body and practicing deep breathing and mindfulness help the nervous system regulate. Tools such as grounding with our 5 senses, being in the moment and taking time to smell the roses, appreciating the beauty and good wherever you can find it, taking pictures to remind yourself beauty exists and is also real alongside pain.

Pharmacotherapy is the use of medication as prescribed by a doctor to manage the traumatic reactions. Medicine will not make the pain go away but may allow for more effective treatment with the other therapies.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy “CBT” helps challenge and even change negative or incorrect thinking. We can replace despairing thoughts with hopeful thoughts and positive affirmations. “I will heal in time.” “I will lead a fulfilled life.” “I can have good experiences.” “I am loved.”

Trauma Support Group Finding others with stories of enduring hard, relatable circumstances and even those further down the healing path who can share coming out the other side.

Make Plans: Have something daily/weekly/monthly to look forward to. From getting the mail, seeing a friend, anticipating the season changing to taking a trip or starting a new hobby.  Do the next thing on your list. Get the ball moving.  You are still here.

Write: Put words to your thoughts and heightened emotions. Validate them. Let them speak. Be precise.  Emotional granularity is what Dr. Susan David calls fine-tuning our emotional language to precisely say what we feel, and this is very therapeutic!

B.D.E.E.R.:  Breathe. Drink/Hydrate. Eat. Exercise. Rest. (Acronym I adapted from GriefShare)

 

All are essential to healing!  It is a misconception that time alone heals all wounds.  Focused processing in these areas along with gentle self-care in time assists in healing through loss.  That said, we learn to carry our sorrows and joy in tandem as our range or reality extends.  Lastly, I have found tremendous hope in the reality of PTG.

Post-traumatic Growth (PTG):

The experience of positive change that the individual experiences as a result of the struggle of a traumatic event (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 1999).  Growth can happen as a result of the struggle, not the event. This is no way minimizes or denies the pain/loss.

Studies indicate that between 30-90% of individuals dealing with major difficulties report at least some elements of growth. Growth or change is in the areas: 1. Sense of self 2. Relationships 3. Philosophy of life 4. Priorities 5. Spiritual beliefs. Post-traumatic growth is common, but not universal. (Dr. Elizabeth Pennock, Ph.D, LMHC)

This is also not saying there is less pain from tragedy or more positive emotions. The focus is not to advocate suffering as a situation worth striving for, but rather to examine the phenomenon in which suffering, and grief can co-exist with enlightenment and growth. (Linley and Joseph, 2004)