By: Dwight Bain, LMHC, NCC
Parenting Launch Sequence - Letting Go of
Children so they can Launch as successful Adults
Parents are told to give their children "roots
and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the
nest, some twenty years later. The first part comes easier than the second,
which may not come at all for older adolescents these days. Here are a few
factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early
success as young adults.
Giving a child ‘roots’ is about shared
traditions, values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior,
such as the golden rule or ten commandments, as well as providing a safe and
loving home environment. Most parents do their best to care and provide for
their kids and try to build these core values into the heart of their children which
shows up through their choices in life. When a child clearly understands what
they believe they have the strength of character to go through the teen years
without some of the distractions or temptations that cause so many of their
peers to stumble and fall. Right from wrong is usually easy for a child to spot
Most parents don’t struggle with knowing what
they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to
learn about making moral choices for a better life; because parents usually do
their best to give kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal
belief system. This could flow out of the family values modeled to be an honest
and trustworthy person acting in an accountable and responsible way.
If they aren't directly building these values
into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values
through regularly attending a house of faith or some other form of ethical value-based
education (such as the YMCA), or even through targeted exposure to
positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids
experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing
what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by
their peers as to why they believe it.
Common fights about the 'flight plan' between
parents & older kids
So, how can you guide a child you have loved,
cared for and protected their entire lifetime toward the right amount of space
to 'fly' forward on their own wings and choices? It is often hard to find the
right balance between the two, with kids and parents often experiencing their
greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out the appropriate level
of responsibility and independence during each stage of life.
Yet as hard as it may be for parents to consider
letting go of the children, they have invested so much time and energy into, it
is essential for the child's healthy development and inner strength as a confident
person who will one day have to move out and move on. Young adults need the
skill to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of
knowing that mom and dad's watchful care is always going to be near. Or that
mom or dad will be there to rescue them after every wrong decision.
The goal is for children to know what they
believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs despite
the pressures around them.
Dangerous truth- over-protective parents slow
strength building in kids
Here's why parents ‘over-loving’ a child creates
weakness instead of strength. If a daughter can never test her wings by moving
a little further away from mom or dad's protective care, then sometimes she may
develop symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid
of moving forward in life. Not all kids develop psychological or emotional
fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors
that slows down their personal development of inner strength to move forward
toward the next stage of life. Part of loving a child is to equip them and
prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a
rocket launch sequence at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.
Think about all the years of planning and
thousands of challenges that must be overcome to create a successful rocket launch
into space. Everything that takes place during the years leading up to a rocket
or orbiter launch date is done to accomplish the goal of getting that rocket
safely and strategically into space. That's the driving force of those NASA
engineers- to get that craft off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit
toward the stars.
There is an incredible line of dialogue in the
movie, "Astronaut Farmer" (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where
the father-in-law tells his want to-be astronaut son-in-law, "I really
respect you son. Most dads can't get their families to share a meal at the
table together and you- you've got your whole family dreaming together!"
The film tells the story of a dad who reflects the power of never giving up on
his life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly shows the
courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make an
impossible dream become an incredible reality.
Space flight can be a lot like parenting. You spend
years getting a child ready to have a successful launch because one day you know
that there will be a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to the
next stage of life. This is part of the great ‘circle of life’ described in the
Disney film, “The Lion King.” Kids are supposed to group up, then move out and move
on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process,
it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while
their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it
often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if
the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.
5...4...3...2...1... Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early
success during their young adult years they soar and it's a joy to watch. If
you have ever seen a launch from the Kennedy Space Center, you know words can
hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even
gravity can stop that rocket from doing what it was designed to do- blast off
toward the stars! However, when the parenting 'launch sequence' is
interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents the kids might
blow up, or crash in some way. Sadly, it seems there may be more crashes than
successful launches into young adulthood these days. (You may be thinking
about a family you know stuck in this painful process right now).
What to do? Here are some parenting tips to
coach you through the process of parenting strategies through every stage of
childhood to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful
lives as adults. That's a parent's job, to give them the roots of belief and
then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.
When this process happens, a child grows through
each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the
momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by
parents who weren't afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the
life God designed for them to live.
Parenting Stages necessary to build strong kids:
Here are some of the key developmental stages
and strategies to guide you toward a successful launch with your child.
Birth to puberty, (ages 0-12)-
Kids need a 'Caretaker' who can teach and help
with daily tasks while the child gradually is learning these skills from their
parent through positive role modeling, especially in the important areas of
self-discipline and responsibility. Other ways for a child to grow in
confidence and strength during these years is to help them find social connection
and friends through afterschool activities, church groups, music, drama, youth
sports or technology clubs. This higher level of involvement also can position kids
around other healthy adults who can help kids learn even more because of
teachers, coaches, and pastors who are investing into their young lives as they
grow to the next level of maturity and future success.
Puberty to College Years, (12-21)-
The parenting strategy to use during the teen
years is a combination of part Counselor and part Coach to help guide through
the emotional issues of building relationships and dealing with hurt feelings,
while balancing the tasks of learning to deal with difficulties in life and
making wise educational or career choices. Psychologist John Trent calls this
process 'soft love mixed with hard love', (For more on this parenting concept,
check out his book, "The Two Sides of Love")
College years to Adulthood, (21-30)-
We always need the wisdom of our parents- but the
need changes as we age. Little kids need a parent to help with personal
hygiene, teens need their parents to help them develop healthy habits and by
this stage young adults need honest advice and direction. These years are a
great time for the parent/adult-child relationship to prosper since the young
adult is out on their own dealing with life, yet still needs a 'Consultant'
to bounce ideas or decisions off of as they build a life independent of their
parents to firmly establish a life of their own.
Millions of parents have successfully launched
their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too. There is a sign in the
launch control room of the Kennedy Space Center that says it well, listen...
"It takes a team- to launch a dream."
Know that you are not alone in this process.
There are hundreds of counseling resources available on YouTube or in podcasts
that can give you tools to experience the great joy of watching a child take
flight, as well as experts who can help if your child has already crashed so
you don’t feel judged or afraid to dream again about what your son or daughter
could be when they launch into a life of their own.
“The big challenge is to become all that you have the possibility
of becoming. You cannot believe what it does to the human spirit to maximize
your human potential and stretch yourself to the limit.” – Jim Rohn
A child’s potential is always there, even when
it doesn’t look like it. Moving past disappointment over a failure, or
silencing doubts and fears is part of the process in launching successful young
adults. Every time you work past the challenge you are guiding them toward a
life of meaning and significance which may be the most important work you ever
do as a parent – watching your child build a successful future.
About the author –
Dwight Bain helps people change and rewrite
their story with transformational counseling and coaching at the LifeWorks
Group in Florida. Follow him on social media @DwightBain for change strategies
to make your life work better.
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