7 Ways To Overcome Codependency
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
Codependency is a type of behavior that is often used to describe someone who is trying to control the actions and behaviors of others. Often the person who is termed “codependent” is trying to love another but is going about it in a way that creates poor relationship connections.
Codependents have an unhealthy reliance and emotional dependence on others, mostly in romantic relationships. This connection is usually based on the codependent’s need to try and fix, rescue and control their partner.
The term codependent was originally termed in addiction treatment as the person who is in relationship with the addicted person. They would often be seen as addiction supply either relationally, financially or some other form of enabling behavior such as a place to live. The codependent feels that they can fix the addict, control outcomes or rescue the addicted from themselves. When this happens then the addict will see how wonderful they are and that is when the codependent will receive love in return.
Today, most codependents are mostly described as someone who takes excessive responsibility for another person. Usually this is due to wanting to be overly liked by others. This can happen at work, romantic relationships and friends. Everyone likes to be liked, however codependents bend over backwards to the point of manipulating others to be liked.
If you feel that you are someone who has to go through great lengths to be liked, know that you are not alone. Often codependents suffer from other mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression. Usually codependency can be uncovered in a counseling session as the core issue of these conditions. Codependency is not considered a mental health condition by itself, but is learned behavior usually stemming from parental conditioning from childhood. The good news is new behaviors can replace old behaviors and the codependency can be easily managed.
If you feel that you are suffering from codependency here is a list of things you can do to help change the condition.
1. Change your mindset. Understanding that codependency is learned behavior and that new behaviors can be learned to replace them is good news. When you change the way you look at things you change your behaviors. Creating a new mindset that you want to change creates motivation to change. Create a vision of yourself and make choices to move yourself toward that vision.
2. Keep situations in perspective. When engaging with others, don’t be in a rush to try and fix or rescue others. One of the most loving things we can do for another person is let them figure things out. This way they learn. If you bail them out of their distress every time all they learn is to depend on you to bail them out. Step back, get the big picture. If they ask for help that is fine, but remember you can still say no.
3. Question your thoughts. Negative thinking patterns and cognitive distorted thoughts such as being defensive can bring about a change in mood. Ask yourself, what you are doing plays into the codependency? For example; “am I feeling guilty for another person’s experience so I'm feeling a compulsion to fix it for them?” If the answer is yes, then stand back from the situation. Another example is questioning the feelings such as anger. Are you angry because another person would not let you help them? This is really a feeling of rejection and your compulsion to fix, rescue or control was denied. Let them go.
4. Let Go of Perfection: Codependents will go through extreme measures to try and win someone’s approval. They are thinking more about how they are seen by others than being true to themselves. This obsession of how they believe they are being seen in the eyes of others leads them to trying to be perfect all the time. If they are seen as perfect, then they are seen as ideal and loveable. Remember this, how someone sees you is more about them than about you.
5. Spend Time With Yourself: Take a break from people. Spend some time doing a hobby that helps you better understand yourself. If you are going to have a mental love affair with someone then have one with yourself first. This isn’t self-centered, this is self-care. Learning who you are and what you are about leads to a better sense of self. The result is improved self-confidence and less reliance on the approval of others.
6. Learn to Say No: When you say yes too often to others you are leaving yourself out. You are putting yourself last and this results in anger, resentment, depression and anxiety just to name a few. Look at it this way, whose life rules are you playing by? It’s okay to say no to others, especially if they are demanding, rude or narcissistic.
7. Watch for The F.O.G., And not the scary movie. The acronym FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This usually happens when you go against the wishes of others. This can be a sure sign you are being codependent. We all have a little bit of codependency, however some of us make a career out of being one. Here is how to use the FOG tool. Resist Fear of what others think. People think thoughts because of them, not you. Stop feeling Obligated to other people’s demands. Acting out of obligation creates a self sacrificing scenario by saying yes when you really wanted to say no. Lastly, Drop the Guilt for saying no. It’s okay to say no and you don’t have to feel guilty for saying it.
Healthy people accept people who have boundaries and move on. It’s the manipulators who don’t. Manipulators do not respect a boundary and will try to maneuver in a way so that they can get their way. Manipulators surround themselves with kind-hearted people who have trouble saying no to their demands. Addicts and narcissists are notorious for this. They need some level of ego supply to take care of them in a way so they can have a resource to keep their addiction going. To them nothing is more important than getting their next fix whether it be drugs, alcohol or an ego-maniacal dopamine hit.
Narcissists are especially fond of codependents as their ideal mate, employee, friend or business partner. This usually works for a while until the codependent begins to wise up and moves on. This is because narcissists love people who can’t say no. It feeds their ego and upholds their level of grandiosity of how they see themselves when around others. They need to feel special and the codependent is perfect for this. The codependent keeps feeding them looking for an ideal relationship in return. After some time, codependents feel relationally starved. They usually challenge the narcissist who blows up on them and the codependent goes to counseling where they discover that their behaviors are consistent with codependency.
Boundaries are the answer and replacement for codependent behavior. If you identify with being a codependent it’s helpful to understand where you end and others begin. This understanding of boundaries helps codependents set limits on how far they are willing to go with another person’s unreasonable demands and pressure in a relationship.
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