Narcissism and Family Holiday Drama
Family time during the holidays can be a fun and special time for the family. Relationships can bring joy, but they can also be difficult. For the family who experiences someone who is narcissistic, or some other kind of manipulator this time can be especially difficult.
Narcissism, also known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a mental health disorder that is very difficult for family members to be around. Their self-centered, arrogant, and haughty attitudes can make other family members withdraw or feel compelled to challenge the negativity. This often results in arguments and disruption of family cohesion. This often plays right into the narcissist’s personality as they often create confusion and chaos to feel like they are in control. The reason for this is due to an internal lack of self-esteem. People who are confident with themselves don’t have this need to stir up other people’s emotions.
This dramatic swirling of emotions, confusion and anxiety is known as chaos manufacturing. By stirring things up it gives the narcissist a sense of control. Anyone who tries to confront them or challenge their behavior is often met with anger or some sort of elevated response. A narcissist needs to be seen as big, the hot-shot in everything. They expand themselves and expect others to shrink in their presence. This is common in the natural world as animals will blow themselves up to look big. As creatures we will shrink and hide in the presence of a large animal. This is part of our anxiety fight or flight system that kicks in to protect ourselves.
However, remember that narcissists are human. They will respond to certain behaviors they encounter; you can't just tell them anything and expect them to respond. This is where you can gain your strength and stand your ground in their presence, and that is with boundaries.
The best antidote to a narcissist is having a strong sense of self. Know who you are as a person, so you are not easily rattled. Lack of confidence can make you feel powerless while secure and confident people often have good boundaries. A relationship boundary is a limit you place on yourself. It is not a hard line you place on another person. Boundaries define where you end, and others begin.
Here is an example of how to implement a boundary. First, you must decide that you are in control of you and nobody else. If your holiday guest is a narcissist, let’s say a brother in law, then you can get with your spouse and decide ahead of time how your home is going to draw limits on certain behaviors. You know this manipulator is coming to dinner, now what? The dinner table is not a time to try and convince an arrogant manipulator they are wrong unless you are trying to pick a fight. You can begin a response by saying something along the lines of “in our home we” and you fill in the rest. Always begin your response with “our, we, us” to signal you and your significant other are unified and that you have a wing-man. This unified front will cause the insecure ego in the narcissist to shrink.
While implementing boundaries is a good start it is not always a fail-safe option. A severe narcissist may actually dig in for the long haul and try to make things worse in order to prove themselves. If this is the case, you can continue to use your boundaries and add in some other techniques listed below.
Strategies When Faced with A Narcissist
● Try changing the way you view yourself in relationship to the narcissist. Nobody has the power to control your feelings without your permission. We do experience sensitivity toward some things that are said, however we feel things internally because of our own internal processes. Remain in control internally, not externally.
● Change the way you look at them. They are not intimidating, they are sick. Think to yourself how miserable it must be to be that person. Remember this sick person has an illness so resist the urge to meet them where they are. If you don’t, they will suck you down into their misery.
● Find a wing-man. Say what you have to say and see if someone else has a similar opinion. When others have differing opinions than what the narcissist is saying it powers down the narcissist. Use team words such as “our,” “we” and “us” to demonstrate teamwork and isolate the narcissist to himself. .
● Narcissists tend to take over. And they will if you let them. Just because they blow up, get grandiose and expand their greatness to everyone in the room does not mean you have to lower yourself. If you are in your house you can, calmly, state that we do things differently here followed by your statement of those differences. It’s okay to disagree with a narcissist, it’s the narcissist who can’t handle disagreement.
● The stoic philosopher Epictetus put it this way: “Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions.
So, in the end, we get to choose how to respond, even if that means having no response. But if you must respond, make sure you come from a place of confidence knowing who you are and that you really like who you are. When you do, and experience a calm confidence in yourself, it’s really hard for a narcissist to shrink you and make themselves bigger than you.
To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
Comments