5 Ways to Identify and Deal with a Victim Mentality
A person with a victim mentality is someone who is experiencing negative feelings and tries to hold others accountable for these feelings. They hold the belief that nothing can be said or done to improve their circumstances, which keeps them stuck in victim mode. They feel vulnerable around people and believe that others have malevolent intentions towards them. A victim mentality is also one of the key traits of a behavioral condition known as Codependency and also Dependent Personality Disorder.
Accountability and responsibility are absent in this person’s life. They do not take ownership of themselves. Instead, they try to get others to be responsible for them and their feelings. For example, “you make me angry” is a very common phrase they use. The truth is nobody makes you angry. People may say and do things that make you feel angry, but the anger belongs to the person experiencing it. So, if you are angry, you are the one who is accountable and responsible for that anger. Emotions are property and we are responsible for managing them.
If you identify as a person who has a victim mentality, or know someone who exhibits these traits, here are 5 examples of how this manifests and how to make changes:
1. They avoid problems. They shift blame onto others and hold others responsible for how they feel. They want others to change in order for them to feel better. Basically what they are saying is, “it’s because of you that I feel this way.” Take ownership of your feelings. Let emotions teach you something about yourself so you can learn how to manage them.
2. They render themselves powerless. People who feel victimized believe they lack the ability to change their situation. Take the time to think about all of your choices. Give yourself three alternatives you could implement to make things different. Here is a counseling trick - think of your life as a story, now go and change the story. Give it a different ending.
3. Negative and critical inner talk. Your own voice has great influence on how you feel. If you take the view that everything is bad all the time then you are probably right. Unfortunately, at times bad things do happen, but not all the time. Another critical voice is one that says “nobody cares about, or will like me.” At the root of feeling unlovable is shame. Shame can destroy our hearts, self-esteem, and our sense of well-being. Counter think the inner critic. Self-affirmations are a good place to start. Say things like, “I am enough” and “I do have what it takes to be loved.” The best place to start feeling loved is by loving yourself first.
4. Resentment. People with a victim mentality suffer resentment because they have been giving themselves away for too long. They look at their lives and realize it’s not what they thought it would be. They have been too busy blaming others for their inability to grow and succeed. Visualize an ideal life and begin moving in the direction of your dream. Take your power back and go for it. Use the miracle question which is “if you woke up tomorrow, and discover that a miracle took place overnight and life is perfect that morning, what would that look like?”
5. They lack self-confidence. They see themselves as failures because they feel like nothing ever works for them. Yes, people lose jobs, businesses, and marriages and reality can be hard. Learn from these experiences. It’s easy to blame our problems on others, but if you become a student of yourself, you can learn from your past and use this information to move forward. To quote C.S. Lewis, “Experience is the most brutal of all teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn.”
If you feel that you are suffering from a victim mentality, then perhaps it’s time to change your perspective on life. Reframe and find an inspiring mentor or person and follow their material. Listen to podcasts, read books and sign up for their daily or weekly blog posts. Join a church and get connected with positive like-minded people. Learn how to become self-empowered instead of holding others in contempt for how you feel.
Thomas Edison provides a great example of reframing when he was asked by a reporter how many times he has failed in his experiments replying, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Mr. Edison went on further to say that failures are actually a positive thing because it gave him the freedom to let go and try something new.
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www.lifeworksgroup.org
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