How does COVID-19 Anxiety impact Children?
Strategies for parents, teachers and caregivers to manage hidden stress affecting kids during coronavirus lockdown
Coronavirus is a serious threat that may not come to your home – your family may be spared the disease. Sheltering in place during community lockdown may protect you and your kids from the risk of infection. However, the pandemic impact will ripple out beyond physical health to financial reality and emotional overload. The most vulnerable populations are the very old and the very young. People are social distancing to protect the medical health of the very old. Parents and teachers need to understand the urgency to protect the mental health of themselves and the very young.
Children look to their
parents for cues on how to relate to their world. When parents are highly
stressed, their children feel stressed. Coronavirus can scare children now,
which could create emotional problems for months or even years to come. If a
child feels overwhelmed by a continual flow of sad or scary news, they don’t
understand it leads to confusion about how the world as they know it has
changed. This is especially troubling with young
children who don’t have the life experience or vocabulary to tell the
adults in their life what hurts. Talking about emotions is essential for mental
health. Think of the wisdom given by Mister Rogers to children,
“Anything that's human is mentionable, and
anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our
feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.”
Bottled emotions don’t
go away, they either blow in toward emotional fears, or blow up into angry or
acting out behavior. In older kids these fears can
lead to anxiety, depression or self-destructive behaviors like drugs, alcohol
or even suicide. COVID-19 will go away. The Centers for Disease Control or
World Health Organization will eventually find a vaccine, but untreated psychological
damage won’t go away and could go on for years. Parents and teachers need to
know what to do to prevent that from happening now. Here’s the first challenge.
Get down to
the level of your child to gain perspective
Think about
the life of a five-year-old this school year. Leaving mom and dad to go to
school for the first time. Then getting used to sitting in a desk, lining up to
go to the lunch or recess and then pick up line to answer the predictable question
when they get into the van, “what did you learn in school today?” Now
those patterns have stopped and these kids are back at home with parents who
may be on emotional overload with working from home to keep a job, or fighting
with each other about money or the frustration of not being able to manage all
the details of a culture changing by the day.
A five-year-old doesn’t know how to handle their parents being a ‘hot
mess’. Children can’t speak up to say, ‘could you calm down?’ to
their parents, so I will say it for them.
“Mommy and Daddy please calm down.”
Take a deep
breath. Calm your anxious thoughts. Grab a pen and use this guide to figure out
how to help you son or daughter manage the stress of this complex situation to
be emotionally healthy. By the way – when you are calm and figuring out
options, your kids will calm down and learn to do the same thing.
COVID-19 is
complex for parents to understand. It can be a very difficult for small
children to grasp, but helpful videos like the ones on PBS where Elmo teaches
how to wash your hands to kill germs is a good place to start. Keep it simple
with creative approaches about hand washing
https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/videos.html
. Coronavirus is serious. Thousands
of people will get sick and the overwhelming majority will get better by
practicing daily hygiene. Start there. Children of every age can practice
handwashing, covering coughs and sneezes, staying hydrated and getting enough
rest. These skills will keep them healthy now through lockdown and for the rest of
their life.
What
matters on Wall Street isn’t as important as what happens on your street
Kids don’t
worry about global economic indicators because they don’t understand global
economy. They aren’t supposed to be worried about global events because they
are just kids. As parents you aren’t supposed to be worried about global events
because you can’t control them. A parent’s responsibility is to manage their
home and children, not solve world problems. When your children see you as a caregiver
modeling healthy behavior, they will begin to do the same. Children tend to do
what children see.
Communities
are on lock-down to stop the spread of the disease. That’s a responsible way to
flatten the curve as explained in this PBS video from https://www.pbs.org/video/what-this-chart-actually-means-for-covid-19-ybsbtd/ .
It doesn’t
mean you have to stay in crisis response. Breathe and change perspective. You
aren’t ‘stuck at home’ you are ‘safe at home’. You can connect as a
family and get through this pandemic with emotional courage to stop confusion
and chaos from entering your home. Take care of what you can, act responsible
and let go of the rest. Worry about disease or recession won’t help you or your
children feel better. Work at wellness and your kids will feel better because
you feel better.
Positive
action as a family will get you through the lockdown. Schedules, routines,
tasks, schoolwork, family game time and meal prep can connect your family in
new ways. Take advantage of this time to draw close and have family dinner
again. One of the most requested resources American citizens said they wanted
more of was time. For a few weeks you and your family will have significant
time. Make it count.
Give up fighting
the toilet paper wars
Decide to
focus on your family and home responsibilities first. Energy wasted on panic, “we’re
all going to die!” or blame, “why didn’t you buy more toilet paper?”
or regret, “why didn’t I go to school to be a doctor?”, or anger,
“your coughing is going to get us all killed!” is wasted energy for parents and can be confusing
to kids. The ultimate example are moms and dad who may be expressing anger at
God, even if they didn’t believe in God before. “Why would God do this to me?”
… is not the kind of question that will change your circumstances and distracts
you from working on making your home a safe and emotionally secure place.
Focus energy on an
empowering question, ‘What can we do about the situation we are in? What can
we do to keep the kids safe?’ Moving from wasted energy to creative change
is crucial for parents during COVID-19. Part of this can be reaching out to
other parents, Facebook supports, Zoom or YouTube sessions on how to teach your
kids algebra at home. There are free resources on almost anything you can think
of. Give up the fear and grab hold of new skills to grow through this global
experience. Courage to change and creativity is in abundance when you change
perspective.
Check out creative ways
parents and kids are connecting during lockdown)- https://www.forbes.com/sites/tarahaelle/2020/03/15/101-ideas-to-keep-your-kids-busy-during-coronavirus-closures/#7e0ee7d574a4
Shelter at home isn’t
easy, but it is manageable with a plan. Time moves. Time never stands still.
Weeks at home will zoom by with no measurable progress if you don’t have a
schedule designed toward purposeful activities. Kids feel afraid if they see
their caregivers afraid. Take a breath and begin to map out a daily schedule, 6
days on/ one rest day off, for the children and adults in your home. It’s normal
to feel scared, because nothing like this has ever happened in our country.
While it’s normal to
feel scared, it becomes unhealthy when people stay idle and silent. Break down
the word emotion and you have E-MOTION… get moving as you work your plans and
watch how your kids perk up with positive energy. Harvard’s Dr. Richard Weissbourd describes it this way,
“children are more
distressed when parents appear helpless and passive, and more comfortable when parents
are taking action.”
You will always miss
what you are not trained to see
Traumatic situations
create traumatic emotions – that’s normal for adults and kids. Any event
outside the usual realm of human experience which is distressing can create helplessness,
anxiety or panic. Traumatic stressors usually involve a perceived threat to
one’s physical safety or someone close to them. This is an intense
psychological reaction to feeling threatened, which is completely normal.
Traumatic stress
overwhelms coping mechanisms leaving children feeling out of control and helpless.
Continual exposure to the trauma creates a survival reaction of being depleted,
exhausted, or worse, self-destructive. Children experience traumatic stress
differently based on age and maturity level as this guide will outline to help
parents and teachers.
Here are the normal
signs of emotional overload for children, or their caregivers.
Traumatic Stress
Symptoms
· Intrusive
fearful thoughts
· Anger,
frustration, moodiness or continual irritation
· Sleeplessness
or disturbing dreams
· Fear,
anxiety or panic
· Poor
concentration or difficultly remembering the most basic of tasks
· Indecision
or second guessing every decision
· Inability
to embrace complex concepts
· Detachment
or emotional numbness
· Hyper-vigilance
of danger, for instance when someone sneezes
· Hopelessness,
dread or self-destructive thoughts
· Sadness
or continual waves of grief (lost graduations and prom)
· Inability
to listen to instruction, or emotional distancing
· Chronic
exhaustion or energy loss
· Physical
aches or muscle pain, (usually from an unidentified source)
· Minimizing
the severity of the situation, especially among older adolescents
Think about you, your
child or partner as you reviewed the list of normal stress reactions. It is
likely many of the people you know have some of these symptoms, because they
are normal in a time of crisis. The goal is to normalize and calm emotions to
make them more manageable for both parents and kids.
Stay realistic.
When children are
feeling confused, highly anxious or emotionally numb, their ability to think
creatively to do schoolwork at home will be impaired.
Adjust expectations
about school performance accordingly to focus on their emotional ability to
cope. Until their brains are working better by learning how to control their emotions,
they might not be able to retain much new information.
How to Help Children
during Coronavirus Lockdown
-
Ask
how they are managing the stress. Listen carefully and compassionately
-
Spend
time with your children in the same room, it’s more comforting to be together
than alone and isolated during lockdown
-
Offer
a listening ear of support, comfort and encouraging words which can help even
the most introverted of children
-
Allow
your children to reach out to text or call their friends or classmates they haven’t
heard from since the lockdown
-
Reassure
they are safe once stability can be assured as the family is fully practicing
CDC.gov or Coronavirus.gov protocols on physical and medical safety
-
Guide
your children in taking on additional household responsibilities and everyday
tasks. Explain you cannot become ‘super-parent’ and need their help.
Even a very young child can do something to help. (example would be putting
their own laundry in the laundry basket or learning how to fold towels to help
mom or drying dishes with dad).
-
Avoid
taking their moodiness or frustration personally; crisis brings out the best or
the worst in children, parents, partners and other family members. Give a lot
of grace, since we will all need a lot of grace during this period of lockdown.
-
Skip
judging other people on how they parent or what they allow their children to do
– while you stand firm on hygiene and social distancing protocols. Safety first
-
Show
compassion on families who may have family testing positive for COVID-19. Share
your concern, assure of your prayers and teach your children to pray for others
we cannot go immediately help
-
Learn
to accept frustration as part of the process instead of trying to ‘fix’ people to
do things your way. Controlling others doesn’t work and creates more
frustration
-
Encourage
family members to ‘check-in’ to share feelings frequently and then ask
about each other’s wellbeing emotionally and physically each day
-
Access mental health
resources online or via telehealth to guide your family through the surge of
stress everyone is feeling. Allowing emotions to flow will prevent emotions
blowing up in rage, or blowing into resentment or self-destruction
-
Encourage
all family members to monitor and discuss stress overload and to keep the
conversation moving forward toward emotional coping skills which build resiliency
-
No
one gets through crisis alone, especially children. Reassure that traumatic
emotions are normal reactions to an abnormal situation like coronavirus
lockdowns
-
Talking
through the elevated stress is essential; remember if you can talk through it,
you can get through it
Sometimes parents need
help identifying stress in children or adolescents. Here are the signs of
stress in children, based on age, who have experienced major crisis.
INFANTS AND TODDLERS
-
Regression
of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
-
Sleep disturbances (difficulty
going to sleep; frequently waking)
-
Difficulty
leaving parent, extreme clinginess
-
General
crankiness, temper tantrums, crying
3-5 YEARS
-
Regression-returning
to security blankets/discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
or other age inappropriate behavior
-
Immature
grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
-
Blaming
themselves and feeling guilty about how the crisis affected their family
-
Bedtime
anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking or chronic worrying
-
Fear
of being abandoned by parents or parents dying from coronavirus, clinginess
increases as child feels unsafe
-
Greater
irritability, aggression, or temper tantrums, especially from previously quiet
children
6-8 YEARS
-
Pervasive
sadness: especially when they perceive feelings of being abandoned, or fear of
loss of both parents or siblings to the disease
-
Crying
and sobbing can be a common reaction, and sometimes a healing one to release
fears. Once they cry it out, some children may be able to talk it out. This is
the stage where children start to understand about their own death, so some
kids may focus on a cough as indicator of the reality that their body may be
sick.
-
Talk
about their fears, let them express, then visit trusted sources like www.Coronavirus.gov to see actual facts
to read through and reduce fears together.
-
Afraid
of the world ending, or watching their parents die, or their worst fears coming
true, this “catastrophizing” is based on fears, not facts. Shatter that fear by
showing the steps you are taking as a parent to stay healthy to not contract
the disease and how this will protect the entire family through the lockdown
-
Fantasies
that the coronavirus never happened, and things will ‘just go back to
normal’ like waking up out of a bad dream
-
May
become overactive or act irresponsibly to avoid thinking about stressful issues,
acting disrespectful, rude and hateful are other indicators
-
Feel
ashamed of the crisis; or feel they are different from other children because of
how your family may be taking coronavirus lock down more seriously than others,
while their friends on Instagram seem to be going on with ‘life as normal’
ADOLESCENTS:
-
Feeling
isolated and lonely, separation anxiety increases in kids with other major
losses like graduation, prom or the hope of living away from home at college
with so many shut down or going to online only
-
Major
loss, such as losing contact with their peer group through school, sports, fine
arts, drama or band and perhaps losing contact with their friend group forever
due to job relocation of parents. Students may never see some of these peers
again
-
Fear
loss of stability and security from parents leaving them or parents not
available to them because parents are caught up in their own stressful
financial career or relationship problems
-
Feel
hurried to achieve independence, which sometimes is driven by the desire to
escape parents’ crisis or financial situation
-
Loss
of identity for teens who tended to over-achieve academically, in sports or
extra-curriculars. These kids may start to feel deep sadness as if they are losing
a part of who they are. While your child may not have been headed to the
Olympics or Final Four; those events being cancelled may cause some kids to
feel like their career dreams has been shattered
-
Worry
about their own financial future by being laid off from a job, not finding a
job, not having the money to go to college
-
Preoccupied
with guilt over how they must step up to help their parents manage the financial
survival of a pending recession
-
Chronic
fatigue: difficulty concentrating, physical complaints like chronic headaches,
backaches, stomach aches may indicate stuffed emotions are triggering very real
physical pain
-
Feeling
deep grief and loss, while not knowing how to mourn loss caused by COVID-19 as
they begin to understand the world can be a dangerous and unpredictable place
Strategies to help
stressed children by age
Children look to their
parents for support and encouragement during any crisis.
The following is a
guide to help parents, caregivers and teachers manage the flood of emotions
that may come up during coronavirus lockdown.
Ages birth to 6
Children under the age
of six do not need additional exposure to major traumatic events. Children of
this age draw their emotional support from parents When parents or guardians
feel safe and secure, the children will feel emotionally secure as well.
Parents should speak about home life around children instead of topics such as
disease, stock markets or other bad things that happen in the world. Modeling
calm and compassion with "let’s pray for families who have sickness in
their home," and then going about the normal schedule with the news or
financial media turned off. When parents can maintain a sense of calmness, small
children will feel safe and secure. They might seem almost as if nothing bad
has happened to them, because in their world the important things, (you and
their family) are stable and safe.
Ages 6 to 12
Children of this age
are more aware of the world around them, yet still need moms and dads to shield
them from most of the bad news. If your kids can’t spell Zimbabwe or find it on
a map, then direct their thoughts back to the part of the world where they live.
News media stories may be confusing to children beginning to understand
geography. They need knowledge of where the seven continents are balanced with their
own responsibilities in their own country, state or city. Limited exposure to
the media is not dangerous because it can open discussions about insecurities your
child may be feeling.
Television specials,
like the one hosted by Kristen Bell on Nickelodeon can be a great conversation
starter to open important health topics. Talking is encouraged for this age
group, journaling, expressing emotions, or even writing letters to emergency
workers to thank them for helping victims is a positive use of energy.
Drawing pictures allows
for healthy emotional expression and can be a powerful coping skill for adults
and kids.
Social distancing
outside the home is essential, but you can still hug your kids! Physical touch
can bring security to a child. Also remember to have special times of prayer as
they learn to give up their worries to God. These steps help children better
deal with their fears about bad things that happen in the world as they learn
how to sort through new experiences with the support of their family.
Ages 12 to 18
Adolescents have their
own impressions of crisis events, in part shaped by their peers or social media
connections. The older they are, the more likely they will have strong
opinions, and it is healthy for them to process their feelings with friends.
Expression should be
balanced with family, teachers, clergy or counselors since negative peer
pressure can lead to irresponsible behavior. This group may need some time to
verbally process how they feel about what happened. Special emphasis should be
placed on helping them talk through the issues and not stay isolated from
family. Asking how they are managing the stress and what they think might help
others in the family could be a good place to start a respectful conversation
about being part of a family facing crisis together.
Silence or withdrawal is
a serious warning sign the crisis events of the past few weeks have been
internalized. Strict limits on news or social media is essential to prevent
anxiety or panic levels from rising exponentially from negative media overload.
This group may feel the most pressure to escape reality with mind-altering
drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, criminal activity or suicidal actions. Talk
openly if you are worried about your teen’s behavior with love and compassion.
Reassure them the
family can get through this challenging time better together. Escaping or
giving up on living doesn’t take the stress and fear go away. Keep the
conversation going with the help of national suicide hotlines, which are well
staffed to help you and your son or daughter. (Every country has suicide
hotlines available. They are free and confidential and easy to find https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
)
Dangerous Warning Signs
This final category maps
out indicators of traumatic stress which are beginning to overwhelm the
individual and creating a risk to their health. The longer the traumatic stress
symptoms occur, the greater the negative impact on the child or caregiver. This
does not imply craziness or weakness rather it indicates that the emotions are
too powerful for them to manage by themselves.
Completely normal, but
it can make a person feel powerless, as if they are drowning in their emotions
and does require someone else to help them, such as an emotional lifeguard.
Children or caregivers who display more than a few of the following stress
symptoms may need additional help dealing with the events surrounding
coronavirus lockdown. They should seek the appropriate medical or psychological
assistance.
Thankfully dozens of
trusted resources are available to educate and equip parents and teachers on
helping children negatively impacted by trauma.
Physical:
Chills, thirst,
fatigue, nausea, fainting, vomiting, dizziness, weakness, chest pain,
headaches, elevated blood pressure, rapid heart rate, muscle tremors,
difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, etc.
Emotional:
Fear, guilt, grief,
panic, denial, anxiety, irritability, depression, apprehension, emotional
shock, feeling overwhelmed, loss of emotional control, etc.
Cognitive:
Confusion, nightmares,
uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, suspiciousness, intrusive images, poor problem
solving, poor abstract thinking, poor attention/memory and concentration,
disorientation of time, places or people, difficulty identifying objects or
students, heightened or lowered alertness, etc.
Behavioral:
Withdrawal, antisocial
acts, inability to rest, intensified pacing, erratic movements, changes in
social activity, changes in speech patterns, loss of or increase of appetite, experimentation
with sexuality, substances, pornography or online gambling for older children.
When in doubt about
your children’s medical or mental health needs contact a trusted family member,
a physician or certified mental health professional. Remember there are caring
people who can help you and your children. You do not have to go through a
crisis alone, but you do need to reach out for help. COVID-19 lockdown has not
limited access to therapists, counselors, social workers, psychologists or
clergy. Children and parents must actively deal with negative emotions now to move
past the stress of coronavirus lockdown and find strength to cope with the
challenges ahead. Good news – there are many groups available to help you
figure it out.
Growing up can be
scary, but generations of children grew through global challenges in the past like
the great depression and became disciplined and resilient. This generation of
children could become mentally and spiritually stronger because of COVID-19.
Courageous parenting will create courageous children. That could become the greatest
gift to our culture. Disciplined students who have learned how to manage
themselves with responsibility and gained skills on how to help others. That
might be the brave new world we need, and it will be filled with confident
young adults who learned how to cope by watching their parents lean into the
coronavirus challenge.
Talk through it to get
through it
This guide can get you
started on how to open conversations that will help your children manage the
stress of a global pandemic. Learning how to manage emotions in this crisis can
prepare your kids to manage any crisis. Teaching them to talk through issues is
strategic for them to explore options and keep moving forward in their life.
Spark creativity with
regular conversations about managing stress and pressure by discussing issues like
these with your children in age appropriate ways.
-
What
are you worried about or afraid of since the coronavirus lockdown began?
-
How
is our family affected by the coronavirus?
-
Talk
about what was important to you before the COVID-19 pandemic and how those core
values may have changed or gotten stronger since the lockdown began.
-
What
will our family look like five years after the coronavirus has been solved with
a vaccine?
-
Express
how grateful you are for each member of the family, what you admire or love
about them. Share your heart with your children and watch how quickly they
learn to share their deepest emotions with you.
Coronavirus can connect
your family in new ways during the lockdown. Family dinner conversations can go
deeper into conversations that will build mental wellness and resiliency.
To quote Charles
Dickens, “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” It is the same for your family. This can be
the best or worst of times, – that choice is up to you.
Dwight
Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor who writes on managing crisis to
create positive change. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and four
cats.
Follow
him across all social media @DwightBain
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