Why Narcissists Don’t Apologize

By: Brian Murray LMHC

Narcissists have a unique way of looking at the world. Their way of thinking and perceiving is different than almost 90% of the world around them so they can be hard to understand and even more difficult to love. Their emotions can become intense and out of proportion with the situation they are faced with due to their skewed perceptions and beliefs.

Because of these underlying deviations from cultural expectations, their behavior comes across as arrogant, boastful, intense and they have difficulty with interpersonal functioning. These enduring patterns are lifelong and can usually be traced back to adolescent or even childhood.

Narcissist behaviors are inflexible, lack empathy and have a strong need for admiration. Even if they haven’t done anything to deserve special recognition, they still expect to be treated as such. Some people who are not savvy to the ways of a narcissist may challenge the narcissistic behaviors and this is where trouble begins.

There are a few things to remember if faced with an angry narcissist. Narcissists are very sensitive internally and don’t respond well to a perceived slight. For example, they display a grandiose superior attitude toward you with the expectation you will admire them for it. Instead, you jokingly throw a sarcastic comment at them. While your intention is good, it pokes their ego which drives them to being defensive. The narcissist is driven by the need to have their image reflect perfection. When it doesn’t, they see themselves as being bad, since they carry a lot of shame. A narcissist’s world is either all good, or all bad. There is no in-between. The anger that results is known as narcissistic rage.

So, the narcissist got angry, got in your face, used humiliation and shame to try and make you back down, but you didn’t stand for it. As a matter of fact, you felt that an apology was in order for their crude behavior, name calling and disrespect. How did such a small joking moment get blown out of proportion?

Emotionally controlled and non-ego driven people usually don’t let their emotions hijack a conversation. If they do, a little cool-off period helps them realize the implication of their words and they apologize to ease the tension. Narcissists don’t do this. They want drama and the tension. It helps them feel in control. By the way, don’t argue with a narcissist; you are wasting your time and you won’t win. They won’t allow it and will not come to reason.

Below is a list of reasons why a narcissist won’t apologize:

• They believe that you are the problem, not them. This is a big red flag for any personality disorder, not just narcissism. It’s everyone else, not me. They don’t look inside themselves or self-examine but assume the responsibility for their issues resides with others.
• Narcissists are never wrong. This is why you won’t win an argument with them. They have a problem with being vulnerable. To be mistaken about something would mean they are imperfect, and their image can’t handle that.
• Apologizing would mean taking responsibility for their behavior. Holding themselves accountable for something they did that hurt another person isn’t within their reality.
• They lack empathy. To them your feelings are irrelevant because they are too busy thinking about themselves. This stems from their thought process of “why should I care about you, or anyone for that matter? This is about me.”
• They don’t take responsibility. They avoid it through deflection, blame and looking for a way out to get themselves off the hook.

These situations can be very frustrating, especially if you are married to or in a relationship with a narcissist. Learning how to communicate with them takes some time and can be arduous as they are usually very resistant to counseling. However, there are tools available for interacting with a narcissist if you choose to remain in relationship with one.

Brian Murray is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor working in private practice at The LifeWorks Group located in Winter Park Florida. He specializes in Personality Disorders and the difficult relationships that often accompany them. 

To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,

Please call our office at 407-647-7005.

www.lifeworksgroup.org