How Boundaries Improve Relationships and Self Care

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 By: Brian Murray LMHC


“The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31


Loving ourselves can sometimes be difficult and loving another can be even more so, especially if the other person is stubborn and hard to get along with. If we are called to love another and have not loved ourselves first, then what do we have to give? An empty cup cannot fill another. In order to better enjoy our lives and relationships, we often need to implement boundaries. 
 
Why is a boundary so important in a relationship? The purpose of a boundary is to protect ourselves, relationships and marriage. When we do this it’s an act of love, not only for ourselves, but for others as well. Boundaries free us to care for ourselves and to care for others. This is especially true in marriage and family. It allows us to express ourselves freely and to serve our mate without being taken advantage of, or worse, abused.

A boundary is also defined in terms of where you end, and another begins. We all have limitations of how far we are willing to go and allow negative things to happen to us. An example of this may include issues in the relationship regarding money, sex or a partner’s use of foul language. The boundary is then communicated to the other. In this example you are taking care of yourself and protecting the relationship. Hopefully your partner will see that you don’t like something and take steps not to cause further harm. In an ideal relationship, these actions become reciprocal.

Think of boundaries and self-care in terms of dignity, honor and respect. We can give these things to others, but we also need to give them to ourselves. Are you honoring and respecting yourself? Boundaries are the guidelines that keep the balance in the relationship and when you practice them, you are loving and caring for others as well as yourself.

When you don’t practice boundaries, or have weak ones, self-care falls apart. A porous boundary doesn’t work very well and lets negative dynamics in and take hold, not only in you, but also your relationships. Or, you may feel that you have good boundaries but the other person in your life isn’t honoring them. If this is the case, other issues need to be addressed, such as listening as part of communication skills. Sometimes boundaries can expose someone who has an underlying condition such Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists and boundaries don’t mix very well, and they will try to manipulate anyone who tries to use them.  

Basically, there are three types of boundaries; porous, relational and firm. Porous is leaky and lets everything run through. Relational is flexible and has some give and take which is what is needed in a relationship. Firm is specific and holds its ground. Firm should be used as a last resort. Each situation determines which type of boundary to use. As previously mentioned, porous is too weak, leading to confusion about where you stand and should be avoided. The other two are valid and useful.  

If you find that you are struggling with personal and relationship boundaries, there are some things to remember that may help you:

  • Know that you have the right to have and use boundaries. You can stay in your relationship, express who you are and still be loved. Healthy people will respect your boundary. As an old saying goes, you can teach people how to be in relationship with you, and you can also learn how to be in relationship with another.
  • Learn to say no. Don’t let guilt get in the way of happiness. So many of us are people-pleasers and fear that if we say no, or disagree with someone, we are not going to be liked, or we feel selfish if we don’t help others. Self-care is not the same as being selfish. Neither is it being self-centered. This is about taking care of yourself so that you can have a happy and mutually satisfying relationship with another person. A healthy person should be okay with you saying no.
  • Boundaries help you to show up and be present in the relationship. By being vulnerable, it gives you voice and the ability to express your needs and preferences. An example of this would be to begin your sentence with the words “I prefer” followed by the statement instead of using “you.” This language keeps you from using a demanding tone which will only put your spouse on the defense.
  • Trust and believe in yourself. Ask yourself this question: who says you are who you are? God created us to be in relationship and to live out our lives a certain way. The world can be demanding, but only you can determine what is best for you. Don’t let anyone make decisions for you or allow fear from the loss of a relationship misguide you into an unhealthy place.

Good boundaries make it possible for you to respect and honor yourself, practice good self-care and to make your relationships work.

To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005
www.lifeworksgroup.org

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