How A Simple Boundary Can Help A Frustrated Marriage

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By: Brian Murray, LMHC


Jan was very frustrated in her marriage and didn't understand why. She felt like she needed to make her husband Mike happy and couldn't understand why her efforts to do so seemingly failed. After some time, she became unhappy in her marriage as she felt like her husband didn't really care about her. Mike wasn't cold or distant, he was actually a very nice likable guy, worked hard, was a great father to their 2 children and enjoyed family time. Yet Jan felt like she wasn't doing something right, something was missing like there was a disconnection between her and Mike making her feel uneasy.

So what was the uneasy feeling Jan was trying to figure out? What Jan didn't understand about Mike is that internally he is a healthy emotionally balanced person. His sense of value and worth comes from within. Although he feels that what his wife has to offer is very nice, he isn't defined as a person by her actions. Jan does not understand that her efforts are more about herself than about Mike. Jan's need is to make him happy so that she can feel happy. She needs to feel needed. This is where she draws her self-worth. When she offers help and feels that it's not wholeheartedly accepted, she feels a disconnection. Frustrated, she thinks there must be something wrong with her marriage.

Mike, on the other hand, has the ability to have a strong internal view that his happiness is derived from within. He has good self-worth. He is responsible for how he feels and nobody else. Jan's worth is derived externally and so her feelings are dependent on how others feel, especially her husband. When she senses a problem, perhaps a look on Mike's face or change in mood, Jan is quick to try and rescue him or fix the problem. In a sense, she is trying to control outcomes. Mike doesn't respond to Jan's efforts and now she is frustrated.

So what can Jan do? She has a huge heart and wants to love well. Mike is a good man. First, she could benefit from the understanding that what she is trying to do with Mike is actually due to misplaced responsibility. She is trying to take responsibility for how he feels. She would feel much less frustrated if she would simply let Mike go and let him figure things out. However, she can remain supportive and there is a way she can help without being controlling by asking him if there is anything she can do to help. If he declines, then she needs to respect his answer and let it go. Jan could also benefit from understanding through communication that Mike is actually okay and appreciative of her attempts to help.

Jan's frustration in her marriage has to do with poor boundaries. Borrowing from codependent behavior traits, her poor boundary is porous. She doesn't know where she ends, and Mike begins. Porous boundaries in relationships do not work very well due to being ill-defined. They are mushy without clarity. Relational boundaries work much better as they are more defined as to where one person ends and the other begins. If Jan understood this concept, she may not try so hard to fix, rescue and control Mike's feelings. Her need to feel needed will diminish and ultimately lead her to feel much less frustrated and happier in her marriage.





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Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
 

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