When In Doubt, Let It Out: How Control Can Sabotage Our Life

 By Megan Brewer, IMH

There is an awful lot we can learn from our experiences. After a sailing adventure my husband and I had with friends who were learning to sail, I reflected on the fact that too much control can have the opposite effect of what we hope to gain from it. Rather than gaining more control, we lose it.

It is exciting to have an experience with someone who is learning something new. They have a wonderful way of bringing those around them into the experience and helping them see the wonder of a new world. This made our sailing adventure with our friends all the more fun. As we glided along the water, carried forward by the gentle wind in the sails, our friends taught us the mechanics and vocabulary of sailing. Learning to sail requires learning what seems like a new language and a whole lot of details about how the boat and wind work together. Of particular interest to me was the way a sailor must conceptualize the wind coming across the sails in order to produce just the right amount of airflow to move the boat smoothly in its desired direction.

It seemed simple enough: raise the sail, point it in the direction of the wind, and away you go. Well, it turns out there’s a lot more to catching wind in a sail than I thought, and some of the most important mechanics can sometimes seem counterintuitive. For example, in sailing terminology, “trimming the sail” refers to adjusting the sail in just the right way so that the angle of the sail to the wind produces the most locomotion possible. Only when the sail is trimmed in just the right way and air is flowing evenly along both sides of the sail can the boat move at optimum speed in a forward direction. If the sail is not trimmed in the right way, it will actually slow the boat down and cause it to sail sideways.

In a sailor’s attempt to catch the most wind in their sail, sometimes they have to do what seems counterintuitive. When trying to harness the optimal amount of force from the wind, it seems most intuitive to pull the sail tight to the boat to decrease any chance of it flapping about and to catch as much wind as possible. Interestingly, doing this actually decreases the effectiveness of the sail, causing the boat to slow and sail off course. This is what sailors call “over-trimming.” When the sail is over-trimmed, it is too taut, but it looks really good and seems like it should be working at its optimal capacity. Not so.

This is where I learned the important sailing phrase, “When in doubt, let it out.” When doubting if the sail is functioning at its top capacity, the sailor needs to let out some of the rope and let the sail take in more wind. This allows it to take on its natural shape as it breaths in the air and fills it to its fullest potential. This is what it was designed to do. When in doubt, let it out. Not the action that seems the most intuitive, especially when one is trying to move forward with the assistance of something as powerful and unyielding as the wind.

But that is exactly what needs to be done. I find this to be true in life in general.

This is a hard lesson for many of us to grasp in our personal life and struggles. It seems contrary to what we feel we need when trying to navigate a complicated situation or wrestle through difficult emotions. When feeling out of control in some area of our lives, we tend to tighten up the ropes in hopes that it will help us feel more in control—and for a little while, it often does.

By cinching down the rope on chaotic parts of our lives, we hope to keep them from flapping out of control like a sail untethered in the wind. Chances are, however, that the tighter we clamp down on something, the more afraid we will be of losing control or going in the wrong direction. Most likely, there is a story somewhere in our life where something came untethered and whipped around furiously, causing chaos and kept us stuck and unable to move in the direction we wanted to go.

When we feel out of control, the last thing we think to do is loosen our grip. But most often, that is exactly the remedy needed to bring us back on course and increase speed in the direction we most need to go. Just as the sail cannot take on its most natural shape and be used for the purpose it was designed when it is pulled too tightly, neither can we live fully into the identity most truly ours if we are tightened up in an attempt to control something.

A sail needs the opportunity to breathe and let in more air to function at its highest capacity, and so do we. Next time you notice there are pieces of your life that just don’t seem right, whether it is your emotions, thoughts, or relationships, resist the urge to pull the rope tighter. Instead, take some deep breaths and start to identify areas in your life where the sails need to be let out a bit.

This may need to happen in specific areas of your life at work, school or home. Maybe you are exhausting yourself with unrealistic expectation that produce anxiety and stress. For example, you push yourself to unhealthy limits to further your career, but it doesn’t produce the results you want. Or, you demand perfection in your schoolwork, but find yourself battling crippling anxiety. Perhaps you are trying too hard to make a spouse or child do something you want. For example, your spouse never cleans up after themselves, or your child doesn’t obey you. Tightening down the ropes in a relationship can can put strain on the relationship and can produce tension and resistance. If this happens, take time to step back and assess your motives along with the results of your actions. Only then will you have the ability to determine if you need to loosen your grip. 

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