Why Marriages Fail After 25 Years
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
It’s shocking. After 25 years of marriage, a couple decides to get a divorce. From the outside looking in, things could not be any stranger. The pressures of establishing a career have subsided, the kids have grown-up (and hopefully moved out), and a desired lifestyle has been obtained. After all, surely this couple has been though just about everything and survived it. Or have they?
It’s shocking. After 25 years of marriage, a couple decides to get a divorce. From the outside looking in, things could not be any stranger. The pressures of establishing a career have subsided, the kids have grown-up (and hopefully moved out), and a desired lifestyle has been obtained. After all, surely this couple has been though just about everything and survived it. Or have they?
It is
precisely when a lack of distractions from career, kids, schools, and community
subsides that underlying long-term issues rise to the surface. The defense
mechanism of denial no longer works. Instead what is revealed is prolonged hurt,
deep seeded resentment, a lack of forgiveness, virtually no real communication,
and zero intimacy.
A marriage
falling apart after such a long duration isn’t about a lack of commitment.
Rather, the dedication to staying together is what allowed the marriage to last
as long as it did. Yet society vilifies the desolation. Instead of
understanding and compassion for the long suffering, insensitive remarks are
made about the character of those who decide to divorce.
Here are
some reasons marriages fall apart after 25 years:
·
Undiagnosed
mental illness. In an effort to avoid a label, many people refuse to
seek treatment for a variety of mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, ADHD,
OCD, PTSD, or even the more serious illnesses of schizophrenia and dementia.
Some of these appear later in life and are not present early in the marriage.
These disorders can vary in concentration and levels, there can be multiple
co-occurring issues, and they can dramatically and negatively affect the perception
of life and relationships. There is only so much a married person can take from
a spouse with an undiagnosed mental illness who refuses to seek help.
·
Personality
disorders. Most couples will agree that their personalities are
different and even clash. But a spouse with a personality disorder brings a
level of intensity, extremism, and trauma that is far more significant than a
personality difference. Within the definition of a personality disorder is the
inability to accurately perceive reality, history of impulsive or controlling
behavior, and a trail of interpersonal relational problems. Even with
counseling, the effects of a personality disorder on a spouse can generate
levels of anxiety and depression that are dysfunctional and can contribute
greatly to their deteriorating health.
·
Abusive
behaviors. There are seven ways a person can be abused: mentally, emotionally,
physically, sexually, financially, verbally, and spiritually. Just because a
person doesn’t have bruises, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering from abusive
behaviors. In many cases, the abuse is done in secret with very few people aware
of the dysfunction. While ideally this won’t be tolerated for a long period of
time, the reality is that many people need a combination of awareness,
knowledge, time, energy, support, and courage to finally walk away.
·
Hidden
addiction. Equally frustrating is a hidden addiction. There are many
types of addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs (prescription and
illegal), gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, stealing, food, video games, work, exercise,
hoarding, and cutting. At some point, a spouse stops enabling the addiction,
communicates hope for recovery, sets new standards, and erects boundaries. But
if the partner does not respond positively, the spouse finds they can no longer
watch someone they love destroy both lives.
·
Unresolved
major issues. There is a wide variety of possibilities in this category
including unprocessed trauma from an accident, repeated infidelity from a
workaholic, continued grieving over the loss of a child, escalated health
issues due to mistreatment, and misguided coping mechanism such as hoarding. At
some point a spouse has said everything and it becomes too painful to watch the
self-destruction knowing that it could be avoided with help.
·
Lack of
growth. Personal growth is not meant to stop with the completion of schooling;
rather it should be an ongoing journey that doesn’t seize until death. However,
some people arrogantly believe that they have “arrived” and therefore do not
need to continue this process either personally or professionally. For the
spouse who continues to develop and change, watching the stagnation of their
partner is painful. This frequently manifests in different goals, interests,
retirement plans, and unfortunately an escalation in
controlling behaviors designed to hold back the growing spouse.
When one spouse is willing to work on these issues and
the other is not, there are little options. Some chose to live parallel lives
with no further connection, others live in separate states and residences, and
still others pick divorce. A person cannot be forced into realization or change,
they must want it, make a decision to move in a healthy manner, and then follow
through.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.
