Five Things to do Today When in a Relationship with a Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
It’s hard to
avoid narcissists. They seem to be everywhere, multiplying in great numbers. It
reminds me of the old Star Trek episode with the Tribbles who reproduced at
such a rapid rate that the ship was in danger of being overtaken in a matter of
days. At first the Tribbles were cute to watch but then they became
threatening. And so it is with narcissism.
What can a
person do to counteract this perilous environment? Here are five things a
person can do today:
1. Guard
self-talk. The innately
persistent and persuasive nature of a narcissist allows them to effortlessly
influence others. Unfortunately, some of the narcissistic talk is negative
attacks designed to intimidate others into an inferior position to their
superior one.
a. Solution: To counteract the effects, a person must
guard their self-talk especially if it mirrors anything the narcissist has
declared about the person. Of every negative thought, ask: “Where did this come
from? Who does this sound like?” Anything that resembles a narcissistic
statement must be immediately discarded and replace with positive self-talk.
Remember, their perception is not accurate.
2. Don’t
compare. A favorite
abusive tactic of narcissists is to compare their accomplishments with others.
Of course, they exaggerate their success far beyond what is accurate to
demonstrate their superiority. At the same time, they minimize other’s
accomplishments to further widen the gap of difference.
a. Solution: There are two points of advice to handle
this situation: don’t point out the inaccuracies and don’t internalize the
comparison. First, don’t waste time arguing or refuting the inaccurate
perception of the narcissist. This will only result in a heated or volatile
situation. A narcissist will not admit they might be wrong even when the
evidence is clear. Second, it is not unusual for a person to absorb the
comparison and place themselves in the inferior position. Because neither
position is accurate, there is no reason to segregate. There are many paths to
success beyond what the narcissist declares.
3. Reset
boundaries. Narcissists
are famous for setting ridiculous boundaries or limitations on others while
refusing to accept any. They believe that the rules are for other people who
need such guidance, not them. As a result, they tend to have unrealistic
expectations of what others should and should not do.
a. Solution: A person needs to filter each
expectation, limitation or boundary a narcissist places on them to see if it is
fair, realistic, or practical. Ask: “Is this a standard that I would place on
someone else? How does this rule make me feel?” If the answers are: “No and
angry,” then reset the standard to a more reasonable level. The new level does
not need to be immediately communicated with the narcissist; again this would
just incite an argument. Rather, get comfortable with the standard first and
then if needed communicate later after evidence has been gathered to
demonstrate that this is a more sensible approach.
4. Do
right. Ethics and
morality at the hands of a narcissist are colored by what works for them in the
moment. Even religious narcissists tend to have one set of standards for them
and another for everyone else. When caught doing something wrong, the
narcissist uses blame, justification and minimization to dismiss any concerns.
a. Solution: Don’t follow their immoral or unethical
lead. Instead have a set of standards that are guiding principles for how to
live a principled life. Refuse to do what is wrong, indecent, improper, or
dishonorable regardless of the consequences the narcissist has imposed. There
is always a choice to be made in every difficult circumstance and choosing to
do what is virtuous will bring far greater satisfaction then the opposite.
5. Take
responsibility. A
narcissist will not take responsibility for their actions, words, behavior, or
reactions. Everything is about shifting blame to someone else or dumping their
duties onto others so they don’t have to be held accountable. However,
narcissists will say that they are the most responsible person they know and
that is usually because they have taken credit for things they did not
accomplish.
a. Solution: Be different from the narcissist. When a
person makes an error in judgement or behavior, be willing to take
responsibility for the mistake and accept the consequences. Do not however, accept responsibility for a
narcissist’s mistake no matter how much they try to be convincing that it is
not their fault.
Relationships
with narcissists require an enormous amount of self-control to keep all of
these things in check. At first, this is hard to do but with time, energy and
effort, all five of these items become easier.