Consider This Before and After Checking the Hacked Ashley Madison List
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
The release of names and emails hacked from the on-line
cheater’s website Ashley Madison stirs up questions of fidelity even in the
best of relationships. This is especially true in light of some high profile
confessions. The website’s promise of anonymity has been comprised and what was
done in secret is now being revealed. But before checking a partner’s email
address on the hacked list, consider these things.
1. Everyone
is capable of making a mistake but not everyone does. No one is perfect. Having
expectations of flawless living will only lead to disappointment. Committed
healthy relationships demonstrate a willingness to admit errors, change
behaviors, accept adjusted boundaries, and forgive. This is something both
partners need to do.
2. “This above all: to thine own self be
true.” (Polonius gives excellent advice to his son in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.) Before checking any list, take
a moment to self-evaluate. Ask: “Have I ever thought of cheating on my
partner?” “Have I ever acted impulsively or inappropriately with someone else?”
“If my partner knew everything, would they see it as cheating?” This is the
time to be honest before making accusations about anyone else.
3. “Begin with the end in mind.” (This is
habit 2 from The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People by Steven
Covey) What is the goal? Is it to see if a partner is trustworthy? Faith is a
belief without proof. Trust is earned over time and should not be given without
some verification. Faith and trust are not the same. However, trust is not
built by obsessively checking for lies or constantly believing the worst about
someone. Rather, trusting someone is a decision which should be evaluated from
time to time.
4. When trust is betrayed, the only person
who looks bad is the person doing the betraying. This is essential in
maintaining proper perspective. Deception is reflected on the deceiver not the
victim. However, there is an Italian Proverb, “He that deceives me once, it’s
his fault; but twice it is my fault.” Allowing someone to continually deceive
without consequence demonstrates a lack of self-respect and appropriate
boundaries.
After reviewing the above, go
ahead and check the list. There are several websites that allow a person to input
an email address. Be willing to be honest about doing it. Demanding openness
without reciprocating is unfair. If the
name is on the list, consider these points.
1. Don’t
jump to the worst possible conclusion. This is information only, not evidence.
This piece needs to be evaluated in light of the whole big picture. Are there
other signs of a cheating partner? Has something similar happened before? Take
a step back and look at everything from an outsider’s point of view before any
confrontation begins.
2. Have
a plan. Make a list of what is known and what is still a question. Knowing what
needs to be asked beforehand will keep the conversation focused. Avoid asking
obvious questions designed to entrap a person. Rehearse possible answers and
reactions ahead of time to prevent emotions from taking over and clouding
judgment.
3. Confront
in a neutral environment. For instance, a partner’s office can be a place of
confidence and give them an upper hand. Find a location and time that is
dispassionate, intentional and safe. Don’t back down on asking questions, this
is a time to be strong and courageous.
4. Listen
to everything. Body language is amazingly revealing especially when a person is
comfortable. It is not just the words said; it is the words not said that are equally important. Pay attention to repeated vocabulary,
touching around the neck, or any mannerism that is inconsistent with past
behavior.
5. Get
some help. This is a good time to seek out advice from a counselor, trusted
friend or mentor. Avoid speaking with family as they tend to side with their
own no matter what. A partner who demands additional secrecy is a red flag.
Remember a healthy relationship
requires growth on both parts. This is not one sided, no matter what has
actually occurred.