"Mean People Suck" : Bumper Sticker Wisdom & How it Applies to The Holidays
By Laura Hull, LMFT
Coping Coach
I remember driving down the road a few years ago, coming to
a stop light behind a car that bore the bumper sticker that read “Mean People
Suck.” I remember thinking “wow, I hope
my kids can’t read that…how crude!” My secondary thought was “wow, that’s just
so true. Mean people really do suck.” Though I probably would have chosen a
less direct, less crude phrasing such as “Mean People Are An Unfortunate,
Unpleasant Reality We Must Deal With.” I guess I could never make a living coming
up with clever bumper stickers, but I can make a compelling blog argument for
why mean people really do suck and you aren’t required to be around them just
because it’s the holiday season.
In a perfect world, everyone would get along nicely, and
treat each other with respect. But inevitably,
we run across those people in our social circles, sometimes in our own gene
pool, who are deeply miserable and seem to lack the capacity to be pleasant,
civil or at least neutral. If they are
co-workers, at least we get relief from them by the workday ending. But if we are related to those people, it can
feel like a sentence in purgatory to have to bless a turkey around a table with
people whose tongues work like knives carving through your soul (or at least
your self-esteem). Inevitably, the
holidays guilt trip many into dealing with relatives they’d just as soon forget
they have a genetic relation to.
Poor family
dynamics can create enormous amounts of stress. It seems like the holidays, in some cases,
are the calendar’s ways of insuring that life will not remain peaceful for a
solid 12 months. Even in the best of
family relations, the holidays are stressful…. exciting, but stressful. There’s so much to do, money may be flying
out the windows, and expectations for the season are high. There’s the societal
expectation that the holidays should be the “most wonderful time of the year.” If your holiday gatherings go off without a
hitch every year like the Cleaver’s, well, God bless you. If your holidays tend to resemble the chaos
of the Griswold’s, well, this blog is for you.
If you are one of those people who are stressed out at the
thought of spending the holidays with family and/or friends because of the
unpleasant people who will be there, and you are drawing upon past unpleasant
interactions at the holidays which seem to solidify the likelihood that the
holidays interactions will go poorly, consider this your permission slip to
skip. Mean people do suck, and so do manipulative people and so do conniving people and
you are not required to subject yourself to them just because of a date on a
calendar. Mean people take pleasure in
robbing others of their joy. They
have to tear down other people’s feelings and their self-esteem in order to
feel good. Sometimes these people are
just incapable of experiencing real joy and can’t stand to see it in
others. Some people are just so
miserable in their own lives that they just don’t realize how unpleasant they
are to be around. Whether their actions
are deliberate or not, it doesn’t change how unpleasant they can make things
for the people they interact with. Tempted to kill them with kindness in order
to change the dynamics? Sometimes that works. But often it does nothing to change the course of that sinking ship. Skip
the stress. There’s no Bible verse
that requires you to eat turkey twice a year with people who can’t get
along.
I highly advise anyone to not go into any situation where
the probability is high that someone will lose his/her temper in an abusive
way, someone will end up in tears, voices will be raised
in anger, someone’s confidence/self esteem takes a hit and hurtful words will
be exchanged. Family or not, this isn’t
good for anyone. If you are finding
yourself anxious or stressed out because of the holidays, ask yourself this
question: “Are the people who will be surrounding
me this holiday season making me happy or adding to my stress/unhappiness?”
Here’s a great truth:
We teach people how to treat us. If we put ourselves into situations that are unhealthy,
without ever challenging those dynamics, we are in essence saying it is
ok. We are not required to interact with
an unpleasant relative. It is perfectly
ok to tell a relative “it would be nice to include all family members in the
celebrations this time of year. However,
the dynamics change when you are present.
Because we want this to be an enjoyable gathering, we will be unable to
include you unless you can agree to….” And fill in the blank. Will that person likely be offended? Oh
yeah. And in protest will likely declare
you to be many unpleasant adjectives and nouns.
And you will have a better holiday.
Maybe the next year, after basting alone for a year, the unruly
turkey…uh, I mean relative/friend, will humbly return to the fold. If not, that’s ok too.
Life’s too short to spend with people who are unpleasant and
seem intent on spreading their misery to others. You
don’t have to do it. You really don’t.
This really is a wonderful time of year….at least it can be…and should
be. Surround yourself with people who
are loving, encouraging, and uplifting.
Surround yourself with people who are Godly people, and not just in name
only. Don’t allow yourself to be guilt
tripped into losing the joy of the season.
It’s easier to be thankful on Thanksgiving when you are surrounded by
people who remind you through their positive effects on your life, exactly what
and who you have to be thankful for
this time of year.