Guilt in Parenting
By Matt W Sandford, LMHC
Let’s face it; if you have been striving to be a good
parent, then you’ve felt guilt. Then again, if you’ve not been striving too
much, it may also be from guilt. Either way, guilt and parenting seem to go hand
in hand. But parenting guilt can be particularly heavy, more so than other
types of guilt. Why is this? Because the stakes are higher, we tell ourselves.
The fear of messing up our kids, or the belief that one already has done so,
can be devastating to one’s emotional health, as well as damaging to the
relationship with our kids. Let’s look at this in more detail and then I’ll
offer some suggestions for freedom from this kind of guilt.
The Two Guilts: False Guilt and True Guilt
We’ve done something to our kids that we believe is wrong,
or hurtful, or neglectful. Maybe you feel it as soon as it happens – like the
times you overreact to misbehavior and yell, belittle, lecture, use sarcasm,
withdraw love, or shame in some other way. Maybe you feel it when you observe
the effects of your misdeeds, such as the time your son repeated a curse word
he had heard you utilize, or if your child repeats one of your behaviors in
their play with another child. Or maybe it relates to the times that you
weren’t able to provide the love, support, encouragement or help that you
wished you could?
When we violate our own moral code, we naturally feel guilt.
But here’s the thing; our moral code is not completely accurate and
trustworthy. Oh, you’ve probably got the basics: don’t lie, cheat, steal, or
derive pleasure from someone else’s suffering. But you’ve also got layers of
this other stuff: cultural expectations, generational teachings or
conditioning, lots of unspoken roles and expectations from your family of
origin, your own experiences and the bent of your personality. And that means
you have assimilated a ton of stuff and rolled it all into your own hierarchy
of personal expectations you place on yourself. That’s where this all gets
tricky. Out of that mush come notions about how bad it is to be late to pick up
your kids from daycare, how you should have your kids dressed appropriately for
the weather, how firm your discipline should be, how you should feel if you
blow it and how you should fix it when you do. The point is that these notions we
come up with realistically fall somewhere on a scale between highly accurate
and mostly off base.
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Way off base
somewhat off base somewhat
accurate highly
accurate
I know you believe your guilt is accurate, meaning that you should be feeling badly that your
daughter still picks her nose and shows her discovery to others.
I think it is fair to
say that if you have done something legitimately wrong, guilt is an appropriate
normal human response. Let me give some
guidelines for how to sort out if your guilt is appropriate guilt or if it
isn’t, what is referred to as false guilt, and how to handle each one.
1.
True or False: The guilt is coming primarily
from a sense of what I believe other people would say I should do or should
have done, or directly from someone saying this ‘should’ – False Guilt
2.
True or False: The guilt is primarily coming
from a memory of the way my parents did something or the attitude and
expectations they had about something, usually involving a level of
performance – False Guilt
3.
True or False: I have done something that would
violate the standards of an emotionally healthy, mature and gracious person
that I know – True Guilt
4.
True or
False: I have violated a clear principle from the Bible (not only someone’s
interpretation, but something I believe is a clear teaching) – True Guilt
5.
True or False: I know in my heart that when I
did this thing, I was motivated selfishly – True, but this is the trickiest
one. Some people are programmed to view themselves such that they interpret
almost everything they do as being selfishly motivated and feel guilty and
ashamed almost all the time. If that
would be you, then this doesn’t apply to you. That’s because you have an issue
with internalized shame, and I refer you to other resources to learn about
this.
What to Do with False Guilt
If you
identify that your guilt is false guilt, it means that you are feeling guilt
you don’t need to be feeling. Maybe you were taught that something is wrong,
but the teaching was either inaccurate, overstated, or maybe your
interpretation was in error. Sometimes, letting go of this type of guilt is as
simple as realizing that your guilt is misplaced or exaggerated. You talk
through with yourself what a more balanced and accurate perception would be and
you chose to accept this alternative way of viewing the situation. For
instance, “Yes, it is unfortunate that I got lost on the way to the appointment
and arrived late, but the person I was meeting was understanding and everyone
makes mistakes sometimes.”
When it comes to parenting, people can feel guilty about all
kinds of things: my child doesn’t know their numbers or letters yet; my child
has a bruise because they got hurt playing; my child’s hair is not brushed or
their shirt is on backwards; my child bit another child at daycare; or my child
has a tantrum in Walmart. It would help to sort out one’s emotions as well as
beliefs. In some cases, it may really be that I feel embarrassed about
something – but that does not mean I did something wrong. I may feel worried or
scared about what someone may think about me, but that is different from doing
something worthy of guilt. When I sort this out in myself I can let go of the
guilt aspect.
If you find that you feel guilt often and that you are
having trouble changing your perceptions and letting yourself off the hook,
then I would suggest that you may be struggling with shame underneath your
guilt and would refer you to look into resources on shame.
What to Do with True Guilt
What about when my guilt is appropriate? Like the times I do
something wrong and feel bad about it. Well, it’s kind of strange isn’t it? We
often hold on to false guilt when we should let go of it and we often try to
shake off true guilt when we would be better served by not being so quick to
dismiss it. I’m not suggesting that we should wallow in it, but I believe God
designed emotions for our good, including the uncomfortable ones.
So, what’s the good that comes out of feeling guilty?
Let me begin by explaining that this process can be done
poorly or it can be done in a healthy way. I think that because we are familiar
with the poor way, we are prone to avoid the process altogether. The poor way
is basically to just feel bad about ourselves and focus on our badness – which
leads to shame. This is not the goal of guilt, and it prevents us from learning
anything or growing. The healthy way is to allow our guilt to direct us to see
how our choices and actions have affected other people and how they offend God,
and lead us to confession, empathy and restitution.
1.
Confession – I agree that what I did was wrong
and realize why it was wrong. I acknowledge to the person I offended the wrong
committed and I invite their forgiveness.
2.
Empathy – I listen to the offended party and
learn about how I affected them – without defense or excuses.
3.
Restitution – Is there a way to make things
right? Sometimes there is, like paying for something I broke, and sometimes
there isn’t, at least not directly.
The point is that our guilt can lead us to develop more
authentic and emotionally healthy relationships.
Applying the
Process to Parenting
Parents I think are some of the most notorious users of the poor
way of dealing with their true guilt. Sometimes I suppose it is because we feel
that our children are too young to go through the steps and won’t understand
them. Some parents I think fear being open with their kids about their flaws,
believing they will lose respect or lose control. You won’t. The truth is that
the process is good – good for the recipient and good for the guilty party. So
even if your kids are too young to understand, do it anyway. You will be
building a healthy pattern for yourself so that you’ll be ready for when they
can understand. Even if you think your kids will lose respect for you, try it
anyway, knowing that you’ll be modeling to them emotional and relational
health. It is about cultivating a heart that is open to others, which helps a
heart to let go of guilt.
What If I’m Still Feeling Guilty?
There are times when we feel so badly about something, or
the effect of our error has changed things, and we just can’t get over it. Our
guilt has become regret. The problem: we can’t forgive ourselves and so we end
up punishing ourselves as a form of penance. The only solution I see for this
type of struggle is to go to God, the Father of compassion and the King of
mercy. We’ve all fallen short and messed up. But if you believe you have messed
up worse or more than others, then you probably aren’t going to God. You probably
believe you are beyond His reach also. Remember that Jesus decided that the man
who was leading the crusade against His followers was the one He chose to be His
greatest missionary and the writer of a lot of the New Testament (Paul). Remember
how Jesus responded to Peter’s denials – by seeking him out to reinstate him as
leader of the movement in John 21. Think about how, by not forgiving yourself,
you are rejecting the forgiveness that God has offered through Christ.
Yes, there may be consequences of your error that are
terribly difficult to accept. In that case, letting go of your guilt involves
the process of grieving. I would encourage you to pursue learning about
grieving and begin to work through it.
The Wrap Up
The prospect of parents being increasingly able to identify
their guilt, and work through it effectively will be highly significant and
impactful to their children. Imagine training your children to be able to free
themselves from false guilt, learn how to resolve their true guilt and not
wallow or drag themselves into despair and regret. Imagine all that you would
have prepared them for in terms of emotional and relationship health by
modeling this for them. I don’t know about you, but that’s motivation enough
for me!
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