Got Jerks? Get Help.
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
Got any jerks in your life?
You know the type, the ones who think they know it all, the ones who
don’t listen to a word you say, the ones who push and push until you can’t take
it, or the ones who are the first to cry victim but the last to admit to a
fault. They are exhausting, relentless,
aggressive, nick-picking, frustrating, and by the time you are done talking to
them you want to run away screaming.
Worse yet, they can turn even the best of days upside-down
with just a comment, message, text or email.
You have become so programmed to their unattractive behavior that just
the mention of their name stirs you inside and the sound of their voice can
bring a fight-or-flight response. As
with any jerk, there are those who agree with you about the behavior and then
those who adamantly disagree believing him/her to be a wonderful person. So what can you do? What do you do with all of that frustration
especially if you are unsure of whom to confine it?
Identify the abnormal
behavior. The natural tendency when
confronted by a jerk is to do just that, label them as a jerk. While this may bring about some comfort, they
are the jerk and not you, in the end it leaves you with nothing to do except
avoid them. More than likely, if this
person is bothering you he/she is not a person you can avoid indefinitely. So instead of labeling them and dismissing
them, identify the behavior that is driving you nuts. Is it a word, phrase, tone of voice, emotion
such as anger, aggression, or the way you were attacked. If it is several of these, break it down
until you have one really irritating piece.
Identify what it
reminds you of. Ask “what does this
behavior remind me of?” or “who does this behavior remind me of?” The first thing that pops into your head is
usually the best as long as it is not the same person or incident. For instance, you receive an email from a
co-worker who created a larger than life problem but is now trying to shift the
blame onto you. You are stuck cleaning
up the mess and have to deal with the co-worker but are angry at their
continued unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions. The email sends you over the top as now they
have manipulated the circumstances to blame you for their mistake. So ask the two questions. Could it be that this person reminds you of
the time a bully beat you up and then said it was you who started the fight and
they were only defending themselves? You
may need to ask the question again if there is more than one similar incident,
keep going until you have a couple of irritating people on your list.
Identify how you wish
you responded. Now that you have the
underlying incident mixed with the underlying person, examine how you
responded. Most likely you have already
replayed the incident in your head over and over wishing for another
opportunity to confront the person and given the same set of circumstances now
your response would have been much better.
In reality we don’t have opportunities to turn back the clock and confront
but we do have current circumstances with similar characters which is exactly
where you are with the jerky behavior today.
At some deep level, this current circumstance reminded you of a past
circumstance in which you already had a strong desire to do something
different.
So do something
different. What is the outcome you
are trying to achieve? Using the above
story, if your desired outcome is to get noticed for doing quality work, then
do excellent flawless work. don’t let
the jerk at the office rattle you and cause you to be ineffective, that is
his/her goal; rather, use their immature behavior as a way of highlighting your
mature behavior. And in the end, not
only will you feel better but you are one step closer to your desired outcome.
Don’t allow the jerks to get the best of you and distract
you from doing your work, having fun, or just hanging with the family. He/she lives to steal the best from others
and use it to enhance himself/herself.
There is no need for you to fall victim again to another trap, identify
it and do something different.
Reprint Permission- If
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forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just
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article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.