The Dysfunctional Bond between Narcissists and Co-Dependents
By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC
Megan and
Ryan decided to go to marriage counseling after their last fight resulted in
the police being called. After being married for 7 years, the marriage was
falling apart, and Ryan now had a police record for domestic violence as a
result.
The
conflict did not start with Ryan hitting his wife, as the arrest record
portrayed. Rather Megan was aggressive towards him – throwing things, hitting
him, and physically blocking his only exit.
In an effort to defended himself and get away from her, he shoved her.
But when the police arrived they saw a 6’ tall man, Ryan, and a 5’ tall woman,
Megan, so he was arrested.
Desperate
to make his marriage work, Ryan reached out for help from a therapist. Megan
was more than happy to go to a therapist now that Ryan had a police record as
she believed that inoculated her from any wrong doing. But it wasn’t too long
into the session that the therapist identified Megan as a narcissist and Ryan
as a co-dependent.
Narcissists
and people pleasers are strangely drawn towards each other. While opposites do
attract, the bond between these personalities is strong as each unknowingly
meets the dysfunctional needs of the other. Here is how:
Distorted perception. Narcissists think of
themselves first and very little of others while people pleasers think of
others and very little of themselves. Both however believe that their way of
perceiving is correct. It is not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish
and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The
neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased
anxiety and contributes to a lack of intimacy. Without a balance of self and
others, a person cannot be fully intimate.
Driven to rescue. Narcissists and people
pleasers love to rescue others however; they do it for very different reasons.
Narcissists gain a sense of superiority from saving others because they were
able to solve something the other person could not do on their own. In exchange
for the help, narcissists demand unending loyalty. People pleasers gain a
natural high from the same act as they love to feel needed. This strokes their
ego and impression of self as a selfless person. In exchange, people pleasers
expect friendship.
Craving admiration. This is the key to both
personalities: the need to be admired by others. Narcissists believe they
should be adored because of their expertise, superiority, beauty, intelligence,
or accomplishments. It does not matter if they have achieved anything special,
narcissists believe they are above others and deserve constant admiration. The
term “people pleasers” defines the essential need for satisfying others and
seeking their approval. Without admiration, people pleasers and narcissists
become starved usually resulting in an emotional explosion.
Misguided affection. Affection is not
intimacy. Sex is not intimacy. Affection is not sex. However, narcissists and
people pleasers are unable to make these distinctions. They see all three as
the same thing. Affection is showing tenderness, kindness, and gentleness
towards another person. Sex is a physical act which is designed to bring
pleasure to both parties. Intimacy is a deep connection between two people
where they are equally transparent with one another. Narcissists and people
pleasers crave affection but are frequently willing to settle for sex. Often
the sex is one way: narcissists seek to satisfy themselves and aren’t concerned
with pleasing others. People pleasers want to satisfy the other person and
sacrifice themselves. Neither are comfortable being transparent with another
person.
Need for control. Both parties have
control issues. Narcissists control through demands, manipulation, and abuse.
They are often very aggressive about insisting on their own way and expecting
others to fall in line because they said so. Controlling others feeds their
self-righteous ego. Because people pleasers cannot be seen as aggressive or
assertive, they often use others to control through guilt trips, excessive
kindness or passive-aggressive behavior. They are masters at concealing the
need to control through niceness. They must control others to feed the desire
to be liked by everyone.
Pattern of unforgiveness. Narcissists won’t ask
for forgiveness instead they expect others to make excuses for their poor
behavior. They also don’t grant forgiveness to others, even for the same
offense, and instead tend to be very vindictive. People pleasers grant
forgiveness without being asked and ask for forgiveness even when it is not
their fault. However, they are unwilling to forgive themselves for similar
offenses. This unequal scale for both the narcissist and people pleaser stem
from a belief that they are different then everyone else. The narcissist
believes they are better and the people pleaser believes they not worthy.
Exposing
these areas for Megan and Ryan took considerable time and effort. Both were
highly resistant at first because at some level, their dysfunctional
relationship worked for both of them. But to achieve the level of healing that
they desired in their marriage, this dysfunction needed to be revealed,
processed, and eliminated. Once it was done, they discovered a new functional
attraction to one another that was far healthier than the trauma bond of
before.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
