Caregiver Stress is Real
By Dwight Bain, LMHC
Caregiver Stress is REAL.
Here's
how to be compassionate without burn out
“Don’t
take life so seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive,” was the simple
advice I saw on a greeting card once and it makes sense, especially when
thinking about the incredible pressures placed on those in the important role
of caregiver for a loved one. You’ve got to lighten up the load to prevent
major burnout.
Many
times it’s easy to overlook just how tired, frustrated, or angry someone feels
when they are buried in the dozens of day-to-day tasks required of a primary
caregiver. This special report is designed to help you spot the warning signs
when you’ve done too much for too long and don’t have enough energy left in the
tank to help anyone, especially yourself.
There
was a popular song many years ago that said, “he ain’t heavy- he’s my brother”
which isn’t exactly accurate. If you are piggy-back riding your brother,
sister, child, or any other family member, their actual weight is still the
same, but because you love them, there is an extra boost as you care for them.
Love will allow you to carry someone you care about for a while – but then they
do get heavy again, and you will feel the pressure to want to take a break.
That’s normal and not a sign of lack of love, rather just a sign of being
human. So what does it mean to be a ‘Care-Giver’ anyway?
A
Caregiver is the description of someone who provides financial, relational,
physical or emotional support to someone who is unable to live independently
such as:
— Infants or young children
— Someone recovering from an injury
or illness
— Elderly loved ones
— Anyone going through a terminal
illness
— Family who are disabled in some way
(physically, mentally, emotionally)
This
just about covers people from all walks of life and all ages, so it probably
impacts you or someone you care about. This special report will cover the risks
of being a ‘good Samaritan’ and then show you how to avoid the overwhelming
stress that can come from being a compassionate parent, adult child, or primary
caregiver.
Let’s start by defining the difference
between CARETAKERS and CAREGIVERS.
A
caretaker provides a level of compassionate service for someone in need, often
for a fee or salary of some kind. They may feel a special calling to help out
(like nurses, teachers, doctors, counselors, or pastors),yet at the end of the
day, it’s their job and they are compensated in some way for their services.
Caretakers
can do their important work in many ways. For instance, they can work with
children, with patients, wounded people, or by managing property or running a
non-profit community organization. It’s important work and often can be very
tiring but not usually overwhelming enough to create compassion fatigue or
massive distress because there are clear boundaries, defined duties, and
reasonable expectations, as well as defined hours of service.
Being a
caretaker is much less complicated than being a caregiver. Caregivers do the
same work, but often with greater intensity, since they often aren’t
compensated in some way and just work out of the goodness of their hearts to
show compassion to the person in need.
They
often give and give expecting nothing in return, yet that is often why they run
out of energy and burnout. There are no defined hours, schedules, or budgets.
It can get very stressful very fast because they can’t do everything for
everyone all the time without it leading to exhaustion and caregiver stress.
Consider
the following warning signs I first learned from counseling expert Dr. June
Hunt to see if you are experiencing this type of roadblock to healthy
relationships.
The Caregiver Stress Checklist
In
asking yourself these questions, honestly assess your feelings to determine if
it could be time to seek professional help to overcome caregiver stress.
- Am I easily agitated with those I love?
- Am I becoming more critical of others?
- Am I having difficulty laughing or having fun?
- Am I turning down most invitations to be with others?
- Am I feeling depressed about my situation?
- Am I feeling hurt when my efforts go unnoticed?
- Am I resentful when other family members are not helping?
- Am I feeling trapped by all the responsibilities?
- Am I being manipulated?
- Am I missing sleep and regular exercise?
- Am I too busy for a quiet time of prayer or meditation?
- Am I feeling guilty when I take time for myself?
Warning Signs of Caregiver Stress:
___
Physically – exhausted and worn out
___
Emotionally – resentful, stressed, bitter
___
Relational – feeling used or unappreciated
___
Financially – overwhelmed or depleted
It is
right to care for people in need. It’s healthy to show compassion. Those are
good things and make us feel better for having made a difference in the lives
of others. You can show care in a lot of ways and should. Consider the meanings
of the verb care: “To have a personal interest in, or be watchful over, to be
affectionate toward, to look out for, to be concerned about, to provide for, to
give serious attention to and to keep safe.” Caring is important, but there are
some hidden dangers when you care too much.
Hidden Facts about the Good Samaritan
There
is no better example of being a compassionate caregiver than the timeless story
given by the Master Teacher about the Good Samaritan. Let me refresh you on the
details– a man is mugged by thieves and left for dead on the side of the road.
Then a pastor and lawyer pass by on the other side to avoid getting involved.
Finally, a stranger from another culture group walks by, sees the injured man.
He stops, applies first aid, transports the victim to a respite center, and
pays for his medical care. This parable teaches the person who really showed
love for his neighbor wasn’t the most religious or best educated, or even from
the same culture; rather, the one who showed the greatest compassion was the
only one who fulfilled the great commandment to 'Love your neighbor as
yourself.'
This is
a life changing spiritual teaching for anyone, yet one should not miss some
basic factors to protect the Good Samaritan from compassion fatigue. Yes, he
jumped in to help a stranger, and, yes, he showed great love for another human
being, but he didn’t do it alone! The Good Samaritan started a healing process
in the life of a wounded man and allowed others, like the director of the
respite center, (inn-keeper) to be part of the healing team to make a positive
difference in helping a man recover. When you are part of a team helping
someone going through a crisis, you are less likely to burnout. And that’s a
good thing for everyone so you can have more energy to help others.
Self Care Comes First
Chaplain
Max Helton worked with our team at Ground Zero after the terrorist attacks in
New York on 9-11-01. He taught a wonderful process in dealing with overwhelming
situations. First, focus on ‘self-care,’ then ‘buddy care,’ and finally ‘other
care’. This way you can protect your own energy, help others facing the same
care-giving challenges, and then together be much stronger and more focused to
better serve others.
It can
be done, but it can’t be done alone. We can give care better when we work
together in partnership with others. Moms and dads, husbands and wives,
brothers and sisters, fellow church members, neighbors, co-workers, community
members, basically anyone could be in a situation to be a caregiver. But
remember the principle to not go it alone. Let others help you.
If you
are facing a major care giving role alone, let me challenge you to reach out
for some help. It could come from friends, family, coworkers, neighbors,
pastors, churches, an AA or MOPS group, or any other supportive group. Whatever
you do, don’t try to do it all yourself.
Caring is good; exhaustion isn’t
If you
are aware that you are feeling pressure to do it all, take the checklists and
insights from this article to review with someone close to you for an objective
point of view just to keep you from the stress of caring too much that you get
lost in the process. Or perhaps you have a friend, co-worker, or family member
who appear to be struggling with compassion fatigue that you could invite for a
cup of coffee to review some of the ideas from this post. A simple question
might open up a discussion on how you could be an encouragement to help them
manage the stress of caring for someone in need.
You
don’t have to do it all alone, but you do have to openly bring up the subject
to let the people who care about you likely know the pressure is building and
that you need some help. Here are some strategies to guide you with a sense of
balance as you willingly share your heart of compassion without getting crushed
from too much care.
How to prevent being so full of “care” that
you can’t care for yourself
1) Be
aware of the common stress signals that come with being a caregiver:
___
irritability or moodiness
___
feelings of resentment
___
loss of sleep or feeling frequently exhausted
___
increased susceptibility to colds and flu
___
feeling guilty about taking time for yourself
2) Be
aware of the pressure of care-giving and that it builds over time.
3) Be
aware that as care-giving goes up, additional coping skills should go up, too.
4) Be
aware of your own needs and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
"You have to decide what your highest
priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly,
non-apologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is
by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the
'good.'" — Stephen Covey
5) Be
aware of the resources around you, and be willing to take a respite.
6) Be
aware that sometimes you need to just sit on the floor and laugh or cry.
"I
am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the
real ones after all." — Laura Ingalls Wilder
7) Be
aware that care-giving is hard work and often you may want to quit, yet it is
still one of the most loving acts of Servant Leadership.
Tips to
add compassionate care to the Caregivers you know - Send cards and handwritten
notes - Make visits to the hospital or nursing home - Send flowers or small
gifts - Provide food and occasionally an entire meal - Volunteer to be a driver
(transportation) - Entertain children or other family members - Shop for needed
items - Set aside time for regular reading aloud - Take walks and do other
outdoor activities - Offer to do laundry and housecleaning - Be a willing and
attentive listener - Extend emotional and physical affection - Provide
financial assistance - Pray for someone in a crisis and ask others to join you
in providing spiritual support for those in great need.
Dwight
Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor who writes on managing crisis to
create positive change. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and four
cats.
Follow
him across all social media @DwightBain