How NOT to be a Scapegoat
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
Monica
came into her counseling session crying. The position at work that she worked
so hard to obtain was now in jeopardy. She couldn’t understand how this happened
so quickly. One day she seemed to be everyone’s favorite new employee and the
next day she was an outcast. But as she began to recount her story, a few
things became clear.
Her
new boss was so charming in the beginning that she wondered why others had
warned her he was difficult to please. Yet a new person emerged after Monica
made a slight oversight on a report. Now he was demanding, condescending, and
overbearing. In an effort to regain his favor, she agreed to take
responsibility for a blunder he made during a meeting. However, this did not
seem to fix anything, rather he became more belligerent than ever.
Added
to that, her assistant frequently came in late, smelled of alcohol after lunch,
left early, and had excuses for everything that went wrong. After asking around
about her, Monica discovered that several people believed that she had a
drinking problem as she was known to come into work drunk on a few occasions.
One day she was caught by upper management coming in two hours late to work.
She lied and said Monica had given her permission. In an effort to try to be nice
to her assistant, Monica begrudgingly agreed to lie. But things only got worse.
According
to ancient Jewish tradition, a goat was released into the wilderness after
taking on the sins of others so the people could remain in the community. The
term scapegoat stems from the concept of one person (or animal) absorbing the
mistakes of others. The scapegoat has not done anything wrong rather they are
the fall person for those who have done wrong. After explaining the term,
Monica realized she was her boss and assistant’s scapegoat. Now she needed to
know how to get out of her situation.
1. Understand what a scapegoat is. The purpose
of a scapegoat is to pass responsibility onto someone else. Usually this person
is unsuspecting at first and agrees because they are trying to get along with
others. This technique of passing the buck is very common with narcissists,
sociopaths, and addicts. Narcissists can’t allow their ego to be tarnished by an
error. Sociopaths do it for the sport of it. And addicts do it because accepting
fault in one area of their life means being accountable in another.
2. Don’t accept liability. Looking back on
the two events, Monica had an opportunity in both events to be honest with her
level of responsibility. Instead, she chose to take on things that were not her
fault. This did not improve her relationships as the two individuals just saw
Monica as a pushover and someone they can continue to take advantage of in the
future. Had she refused to be their scapegoat, a level of respect would be achieved
instead of contempt.
3. Review past experience. Her feelings of
frustration over being a scapegoat ran deep. Upon further examination, Monica
realized that her brother used to get her in trouble for his offenses all the
time. Her parents, trying to be impartial, told the kids to “work it out.” Her
brother’s idea of this was to threaten harm to her if she didn’t agree to take blame.
As a demonstration of his determination, he even lit her stuffed animals on
fire. Her willingness at work to make excuses for her boss and assistant was
subconsciously rooted in the fear her brother instilled.
4. Stop being the scapegoat. Once Monica
separated out trauma from past events, she was able to set new boundaries. She
began by issuing a written warning with her assistant about her late arrivals
and notified Human Resources of her suspicious behavior. Then she researched
narcissistic bosses and found other ways to feed his ego. This pacified her
boss and neutralized her assistant. Despite a couple of attempts to thwart her
boundaries, Monica remained firm.
5. Expose the abuser. Monica knew that
eventually she would need to expose the scapegoating technique to prevent other
employees from damage. But doing this too soon would mean jeopardizing her job,
so she waited and watched. When she saw another employee taking the fall for
yet another blunder by her boss, Monica spoke to that person and advised them
not to take on the blame. This frustrated her boss, but by then, Monica had
established a good enough relationship with Human Resources that her job was secured.
Once Human Resources caught on, it was only a matter of time before her boss
was removed.
Narcissists,
sociopaths, and addicts are most effective when they are able to utilize a
scapegoat to escape responsibility. Monica successfully navigated around such
behavior by knowing the warning signs and setting very firm boundaries. The
only thing worse than being a scapegoat once, is being one
a second and third time.
To schedule an appointment with
Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at
407-647-7005.
