10 Commandments of Conversation
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
I stopped by a home improvement store this morning to pick
up a few things for an after work project. Unable to find what I needed, a
sales associate guided me to the right place and assisted in selecting the
needed products. A casual comment led to an enlightening and engaging
conversation with the sales person who has led an amazing life. The discussion
lasted for about fifteen minutes and I left feeling privileged to have had the
opportunity to meet this person.
Yet as a counselor, the number of clients who struggle with
social anxiety to the point they find it difficult to engage with strangers
seems to be growing. In this technology era full with social media, cell
phones, and the internet, the art of face-to-face interaction is completely lost.
This has resulted in feelings of loneliness, fear of intimacy, and intense
social anxiety.
Getting back to the basics of conversation is not difficult
and a much needed skill for any job interview, dating opportunity, or social
engagement. In these environments, technology is still shunned and for good
reason. But what makes a good dialogue? Here are the ten commandments of a good
conversation.
1.
Consistent
eye contact. Staring someone in the eyes for a long period
of time without glancing away on occasion is creepy. Conversely, refusing to
make any eye contact at all leaves the other person feeling uncomfortable.
There is a balance in between where the eye contact is consistent yet there are
periods of time when a person looks the other way especially when thinking.
2.
Confident
body language. This is where the saying, “fake it till you
make it” is useful. Even if a person feels insecure, standing tall or sitting
upright gives the impression of confidence. This naturally puts the other
person at ease so more focus can be on what the words are communicating instead
of the body language.
3.
Safe
distance. Different cultures have different standards for what is an
acceptable safe distance when speaking. For Americans, this distance is generally
at arms-length. Any closer and it is a too intimate and further apart indicates
uncomfortableness. Of course, the noise level of a room should be taken into
consideration so a closer distance for noisy environments would also be
acceptable.
4.
Opening
question. Starting a conversation from nothing can be frustrating. So
having a few standard questions is the best way to begin. “What is it you do
for a living?” “Where are you from?” “What brought you here?” The other route
to go is a simple inviting statement, “Tell me about yourself.” Most people
love to talk about themselves so this is not an ackward way to open an exchange.
5.
Focused
listening. Learning how to listen to another person without worrying
or thinking about what to say next is an art form. There is so much that can be
missed in a conversation if a person is focused on themselves instead of the
other person. It is better to repeat a few words that were stated in the form
of a question, “You were in Italy?” than it is to come up with new topics.
6.
Engaging
questions. As the banter progresses, a sign of interest can be
demonstrated by asking a question about something that is mentioned. Have
prepared questions ahead of time feels more like an interview and less like a
natural exchange. Try inquiring more about a topic that was brought up by the
other person to show healthy curiosity.
7.
Talk
less, smile more. This phrase is borrowed from the Broadway play Hamilton. The advice is perfect for a
first time engagement where it is unclear what the motives of the other person
might be. However, too little talk is as uncomfortable as too much. In a good
discussion, there is equilibrium between speaking and listening.
8.
Equal
sharing. For a dialogue to be good there should also be an equitable
balance between sharing information. No one person should be giving out more
personal information than another. A person who is not safe often gets far more
detailed information out of another person without offering anything real about
their own life.
9.
Gentle
touch. A firm handshake, gentle touch on the upper arm, or easy
fist bump is an indication of comfortableness during a conversation.
Interestingly enough, a person who shies away from such touch sends a signal of
past trauma which is usually the last thing a person wants to communicate with
a stranger.
10. Strong closing. Ending
a conversation well is as important as started it. It is often the last
impression a person has that lingers. “It was nice speaking with you.” “I hope
you have a wonderful day.” “Maybe we can meet again soon.” These words done in
combination with eye contact and a smile go a long way in giving a positive
impression.
The ten commandments of a good conversation are easy to
remember but sometimes difficult to do. Try practicing these on friends before the
job interview or date to gain the needed confidence.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.