13 Reasons Why People Abuse
By:
Christine Hammond LMHC
Hands down, the number one question I get asked in therapy
is “Why would they do this?” Mostly, this stems from a person who has been
abused and is trying desperately to understand why their attacker is abusive.
There are seven forms of abuse: verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual,
financial, and spiritual. After a person realizes the full scope of their
abuse, it is difficult to comprehend why someone would do it.
Please note that this article is not intended to explain, justify,
or rationalize abuse. Nor is it designed to gain empathy or sympathy for the
abuser. Abuse is wrong all the time in all circumstances. Rather the intent is
to shed light on a question that plagues the abused, to gain understanding that
all people do not have the same perspective of right and wrong, and to move the
healing process further for those who have been damaged.
Given that, here are some of
the reasons a person is abusive:
1.
They
have a disorder. A small number of the population is anti-social
personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders
gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are
the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse
others to gain personal pleasure.
2.
They
were abused. Some abusers act out their dysfunctional
behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to
resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of
abusive behavior is identical, meaning it matches almost exactly to their
childhood experience.
3.
They
were abused, part two. Just like in the previous explanation,
they abuse because it was done to them. However, in this case the victim is the
opposite. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to
sexually abuse girls as evidence that they are not homosexual. The reverse can
be true as well.
4.
They
watched something. With the advances in technology comes
additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV
shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal.
A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or
belittling.
5.
They
have anger issues. Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces
abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a
traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person,
circumstance or place. Because this anger comes out of nowhere, it that much harder
to control and manifests abusively.
6.
They grew
up with an addict. An addict blames others for the reason they
engage in their destructive behavior. While the victims are often forced to
remain silent and acceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent
up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out
others to blame for their actions.
7.
They
have control issues. Some people like to be in charge. In an effort
to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance
such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be quickly executed,
it does not have lasting qualities. True leadership is void of abusive
techniques.
8.
They
don’t understand boundaries. Abusive people tend to lack
the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their
spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is
not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is
subject to whatever the abuser decides.
9.
They are
afraid. People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their
emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded.
It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters
except what is needed to subdue it.
10. They lack empathy. It is
far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might
feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental
traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.
11.
They
have a personality disorder. Just because a person has a
personality disorder does not mean that they will be abusive. However, the lack
of an accurate perception of reality greatly contributes to abusive behavior.
If a person is unable to see their behavior as abusive, then they will keep
doing it.
12. They are exhausted. When a
person reaches the end of rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at
whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the
things stuffed inside come pouring out usually in a destructive rather than
constructive manner.
13. They are defensive.
Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are
utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they
come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner.
An abusive person may have some or all of these qualities
depending on the circumstances. Remember, this is not about justifying their behavior;
rather it is about helping victims to understand why a person might be abusive.
To schedule an appointment with Christine
Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.