What's Behind a Narcissistic Rant?
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
The conversation begins so normal. There is good flow from
one person to the next with each hearing and understanding the topic at hand
without any indication of stress. Then out of nowhere, it dramatically shifts.
The conversation becomes one sided almost lecture like, the words towards
others are harsh and biting intertwined with statements of self-praise, and
there is an absence of one discernable topic. It has divulged into a
narcissistic rant or better known as verbal vomit.
Sometimes the narcissist is aggressive with the attacks
like: “You are an idiot,” “You can’t do anything right,” or “You never back me
up.” Other times it is passive-aggressive like: “No one shows me love,” “I’m
all alone,” or “Nobody cares what I think.” Sandwiched in between are
statements like: “When I compare myself to others, I’m better,” “You don’t know
how good you have it with me,” “I’m right most of the time,” or “I’m a good
person.”
The person on the receiving end is caught off guard and
fearing even more retaliation, they sit in silence quietly dying. This can go
on for minutes or hours depending on amount of sewage being spilled. By the end
of the rant, the narcissist feels better and relieved, even believing they have
effectively communicated. They seem to have gotten a “high” of sorts and are
often shocked when others don’t agree or feel the same way.
What’s
behind this? Simply put, the narcissist has unmet needs
which they expect the person on the receiving end of the attack to fulfill.
Narcissists must have attention, affection, adoration, and affirmation from
others in order to validate their self-grandiose ego. This need is never
satisfying which frequently exhausts the other person who receives little to
none in return. When the other person does get some attention, it is often
because the narcissist wants something. It is rarely given for free or without
condition.
Can’t
the narcissist get their needs met from somewhere else? Yes,
and frequently they do. For some, work is an excellent place for validation, a
dotting parent or grandparent who believes the narcissist can do no wrong, or
community organizations such as a charity or church where the image conscious
narcissist can shine and be recognized. However when any of these fail to meet
the needs of the narcissist, they take it out on immediate family or close
friends.
What’s
the solution for the narcissist? Everyone has a need for some
attention, affection, adoration or affirmation. These things are not inherently
bad; rather they are a necessary ingredient for a healthy self-image. Think of
a two-year-old and the amount of attention they need and demand. However, as a
person ages or matures, these needs should be met internally not externally. A
healthy ego appreciates attention from others but is not dependent on it to
survive. Getting a narcissist to this place is possible usually with the help
of a professional counselor. A significant other is not able to assist in this
area because that will only create more dependency on the other person to meet
the narcissistic needs.
What
can the person on the receiving end do to self-protect? There
are several options a person can do in the middle of a rant: walk away, be
silent or ignore, distract or interrupt, dissociate, retaliate later, or match verbal
assaults with more verbal assaults. However, there are consequences for each
one. Walking away can result in the narcissist hunting the person down. To be
silent or ignore means the narcissist is unaware of the hurt they are causing a
person. Trying to distract or interrupt might prolong the rant. Dissociating
from the conversation leads to a huge disconnect in the relationship later. The
narcissist might not be able to connect the dots when the retaliation comes at
another time. Matching verbal assaults makes the other person no better than
the narcissist.
Nonetheless, each of the above mentioned can be useful
depending on the circumstances. The other person should pick one and stick with
for the whole rant. For instance, if a person chooses to be silent, then be
consistent. Don’t switch to matching verbal assaults.
To further highlight the hurt experienced, address the
comments approximately 24 hours later. This allows some time for the other
person to cool off and the narcissist to settle down from their ranting high.
This can be done in writing or verbally (don’t text it as this is way too
important of an issue for a casual text message). Be as specific as possible
about what statements were painful. Remember to sandwich those complains in
compliments for a more effective method of digestion.
Most importantly, the other person must be diligent in NOT
internalizing the verbal assaults of the narcissist. Many times the narcissist
doesn’t even remember what they said and believes they came across well. Part
of having a personality disorder is the lack of a perspective of self and
others. The narcissistic perception is not accurate. The other person should
say this as a mantra the next time they are confronted with a rant.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.