Is Your Child Becoming Like Their Narcissistic Parent?
By Chris Hammond
It can’t be. While
the narcissistic parent is insensitive and uncaring, your child seems overly
compassionate, caring, and highly attuned, almost to the point of compulsion,
to needs of others. Your child fails to
see anything wrong with the narcissistic parent and believes the parent to be
near perfect. Gratitude and praise flow
off your child’s lips as such a welcome change from the demoralizing comments emanating
from the narcissistic parent. So your
child couldn’t be narcissistic, right?
Wrong.
There is a budding type of narcissism known as the inverted
narcissist and is occasionally seen in children of narcissistic parents. Basically it works like this. The child idealizes the narcissistic parent
to the point that he or she gets satisfaction out of pleasing the parent who is
difficult to please. Your child gives
the narcissistic parent an unending supply of adoration and admiration which the
parent in turn craves. Because the child
supplies the narcissist’s needs with excessive praise, the parent then becomes
possessive and dependent as an addict is to a drug in an unhealthy manner. Your child figuratively becomes the mirror
which the narcissistic parent uses to view their inflated ego.
What can you do? There really is no use in identifying all of
the flaws of the narcissistic parent because it will only serve as a point of
contention between you and your child possibly ending in alienation. Instead, don’t burst your child’s bubble
about the narcissistic parent but don’t lie by agreeing with your child
either. Rather listen to your child’s point
of view and don’t take advantage of your child’s giving nature. This will naturally set you apart from the
narcissistic parent.
What can you say? As the non-narcissistic parent, you might not
be in the best position to bring clarity to your child’s opinions about the
narcissistic parent. More than likely
you will be too emotionally involved to think clearly and present an
alternative opinion. In addition, you
need to focus on non-manipulative communication with your child avoiding such
pitfalls as guilt tactics or bribery. So
find a safe adult person that your child can confide in to discuss any issues
related to the narcissistic parent. This
person should have a full understanding of narcissism and not be subject to the
same idealization as your child.
Will it get better? Yes but not without some hurt feelings along
the way. Eventually the narcissistic
parent will disappoint the child because the facade cannot be maintained for
too long; however it may not happen until adulthood. In the meantime, don’t do anything to destroy
your relationship with the child; your child needs a strong parental bond
because the narcissist is not empathic.
Your child may want to spend alone time with the narcissistic parent and
naturally you will want to protect your child from potential harm. Yet, this alone time may just be what is
needed to bring about clarity for your child in the difference between the two
parents.
Narcissism is hard to deal with by itself. If you are struggling with it, imagine how
hard it is for your child who does not have the life experience to tell them
something is wrong. At some point in
adulthood your child will confront you about the narcissistic parent so be
prepared to be honest about your own struggle and successes in dealing with
narcissism.