How to Stay Married to an Attorney Part 3
By Chris Hammond
Just in case you missed this other key fact while being
married to an attorney here it is: law colleagues change the way you
relate. It all starts in law school were
students are ranked against one another in a feverish attempt to climb to the
top ranking spot. The rewards promised
for such an accomplishment are better internships and subsequently better job
opportunities. In order to get there
however, many try to psyche their higher ranked colleagues out in an effort to
bring down the top grades and therefore increase their possibility of climbing
higher. The same principle applies to
many law firms were the competition for the most billable hours and eventually
partnership is equally cut-throat.
It is no wonder that at your last dinner party, your
attorney spouse was a bit reluctant to take a new acquaintance and turn them
into a friend. The questions, “What do
they really want from me” or “How can they use our relationship to hurt me” or
even “Why do I need another friend” swirl around in your spouse’s brain without
filter. Having most likely been betrayed
by a classmate, work colleague, or friend in the past, your attorney spouse is
reluctant to enter into new relationships without an abundance of caution and
ample amounts of time.
It’s all about
competition. Everything about
practicing law is competitive from competing over handling a case, to competing
over a settlement or trial, to competing over hearings or briefs, to competing
over billable hours, to competing over paralegal’s time. Someone is always competing with your spouse
and trying to find the flaw or weakness.
For your spouse who knows this all too well in the work environment then
has a difficult time transitioning into a home environment where it is not all
about the competition. Unless of course
you make it about competing over who spends more time with the kids or who does
the most housework or who has the most friends.
This practice is not advisable.
It’s all about control. Think about it for a second, your spouse’s
job is to control an outcome based on the expectations of their client. The opposing attorney’s job is the exact same
agenda. Each attorney through their
writings and speaking is trying to control what the opposing attorney is doing
to achieve the best result for their client.
Exhausting! Now translate this
into personal experience where an innocent reminder about exiting off the
highway can be perceived as controlling where and how to drive. Turning off the “I’m being controlled” button
is not as easy as you may think when your spouse is confronted with it day in
and day out.
It’s all about being
right. Winning cases is more than
about being right; it is about thinking and believing you are right even when
you are wrong. Worse, it is about
convincing others that you are right regardless of actually being right. For some attorneys, it does not take a lot of
effort to constantly put on the “I’m right and you are wrong” face, as many of
them come by this naturally. However,
trying to turn this attitude off at home or at a dinner party is an entirely
different ball game especially when confronted with a competitive, controlling
person.
Trying to out-compete, out-control, or out-right your
attorney spouse is a waste of time, energy and effort. In the end, they will win and the
relationship will be destroyed. Instead,
understand your spouse’s lessons on relating to others and work within instead
of against their boundaries. Don’t
compete with your spouse, resist the urge to control and forget about being
right.