It's the Most Lonely Time of the Year
As if feeling lonely isn’t bad enough by itself, add the
Holidays to the mix and your loneliness becomes magnified. Excitement is in the air during this time
with extra stuff crowded the isles at most stores in all kinds of bright and
cheerful colors screaming “buy me”. The
aroma of scented candles and flavored coffee permeates the air while the music
is loud and joyful with new versions of familiar lyrics. The traffic is busy at odd times during the
day with more people on the road, in the airports, on the subway and at train
stations. Lights flash, decorations
hung, Santa hats appear, and the excess of delicious food and drink dominate
the atmosphere.
But no one else seems to be lonely. One quick glance around you yields abundant
laughter, smiles of delight on children’s faces, and embraces of
greeting. Yet you find yourself feeling
even more alienated, more alone, and more depressed as even acquaintances treat
you more like Scrooge or the Grinch, a person to be avoided rather than
included. And realistically, you don’t
even want to be included because then the expectation would be to put on a
happy face and you just can’t fake it anymore.
So just how do you then survive the Holidays?
Perspective,
perspective, perspective. Everything
is not what it seems. The reality is
that many are struggling this year financially, emotionally, physically, and
even spiritually, they just don’t show it.
Your honesty about how you feel reminds them of their struggles which
they are trying hard to forget. But this
reality still does not decrease your loneliness; in fact, it increases it
because now the avoidance is intentional.
However, by understanding better their perspective, you in turn have the
opportunity to be the compassionate person.
So instead of trying to survive yet another party, invite one person out
for coffee and just talk.
Boundaries,
boundaries, boundaries. One of the
causes of loneliness is a lack of appropriate boundaries. How you ask?
Examine a playground for a moment.
Several studies have shown that a playground without a fence causes
children to hover around the equipment.
In contrast, a playground with a fence frees the children to run away
from the equipment yet still within the confines of the fence. If the fence is too close to the equipment,
the fence becomes part of the equipment and is climbed over. Good boundaries are the same way; they exist
but are neither too restrictive nor too distant to be effective. Examine your boundaries. Are you too restrictive about trying new
friendships? Do you lack boundaries for
new friendships? Either way, this simple
concept could be creating unnecessary loneliness in your life.
Time, time, time. If the cause of your loneliness is a death,
divorce, or other significant life change within the last year, then you are
still within the appropriate grieving period.
Anytime you endure a major life change, everything changes especially
how you celebrate the Holidays. This
year will be different because your life change is making it different and you
are most likely missing the good times of the past. Even though your life change may have been a
welcomed one there will still be things that you will miss. Don’t try to deny it; rather recognize it and
acknowledge it as part of the grieving process.
Then you can begin to look forward to creating a new tradition.
Surviving “the most lonely time of the year” is about
keeping your perspective, establishing appropriate boundaries and giving
yourself the gift of time to recover from major change. Your loneliness may be here for a season, but
it does not have to last after the season is done.
