Why Some People Struggle With Intimacy
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
Have you met a person who only allows you to know so much
before they push you away for no real reason?
Just when you thought you were getting close, they seem to pull back to
the beginning of the relationship refusing to go any deeper. If you challenge them on it, you will be met
with such resistance and denial that in the end you might start to believe you
are crazy. Well, you are not.
Interestingly enough, a person who struggles with intimacy can
be married, single, divorced, widowed, have children, have friends, be involved
in a church or their community. They can
look like the most involved active fun person to be around but in reality it is
all a front to keep you at arms’ length.
Erik Erikson’s sixth psychosocial stage of development is Intimacy vs.
Isolation which occurs during the ages of eighteen to mid-thirties. During this time period a person usually
explores the idea of being intimate with another person but marriage is not necessarily
an indicator if they have learned true intimacy.
The Psychology. All of the psychosocial stages naturally
build on each other just like steps on a staircase as each positive trait that
is reached helps to support the positive outcome of the next. But in the case of this stage, it is
strangely essential that all of the other stages have positive outcomes for a
person to reach true intimacy. Some
people do not want a positive outcome, preferring to mistrust another person
over trusting them, and instead are more satisfied with isolation instead of
intimacy. The cost of intimacy in this
example would mean they have to trust another person and this cost is too high
of a price to pay. So they pull back in
any relationship that requires them to trust another person.
True Intimacy. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Intimacy is when you can be completely
transparent before another person in your thoughts, actions, emotions and
beliefs. Even though you may have a fear
of rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt, doubt, or insecurity, you are still
willing to set the fear aside because intimacy is more valuable than the fear. Contrary to many beliefs, the ability to give
intimacy is not dependent on the other person’s response or character; rather
it is dependent on the heart of the person giving it. Sex is designed to be a reflection of that
intimacy, a special act that you reserve only for your most intimate partner.
True Isolation. In contrast, isolation is the choice to
separate, segregate or seclude oneself from others. Usually this decision is born out of fear
from a traumatic experience either they personally encountered or one that they
witnessed. The likely result is that the
traumatic experience also created a negative result from the corresponding psychosocial
stage thus reinforcing the belief that isolation is preferable to intimacy. For instance a child who is molested during
the psychosocial stage of Initiative vs. Guilt feels guilty for the molestation
even though they are not responsible for the act. This guilt as an adult tells them they are
not worthy of intimate relationships and therefore should prefer isolation
because it is the safer option. A person
can still get married and have children even when they have chosen isolation over
intimacy but the closeness or attachment is never developed.
The Cure. So how can a person who has chosen isolation
learn to be intimate? They must want it
enough to process whatever trauma they experienced or witnessed and be willing
to heal from the past. They cannot do
this for another person; rather it must be a choice they make for themselves
because they value intimacy over isolation.
A relationship with God is very helpful during this process as learning
to be intimate with your Creator is foundational to learning to be intimate
with others. Strangely enough, it is
actually easier to be intimate with your Creator over another person because He
created you and knows you already. Thus
it requires less work on your part because you are already transparent to Him.
Once the foundation of intimacy has been laid with your
Creator, the healing process can begin and intimacy can be learned. It is quite a relief to live your life with
someone for whom you do not have to pretend to be anything but what you. Again, your willingness to be intimate is not
dependent on their response, but rather it is a gift that you freely give.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.