School is Starting: Is That Good or Bad?
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
There are two kinds of parents when school starts: one says,
“Yay Ho, school has started” and the other says, “Boo Ho, school has
started”. Your child’s reaction is
almost universal with combination of “Oh no work again” mixed with “Yay I get
to see my friends again” and topped off with “Eek what if…” Still the end of summer is here and the
beginning of a new school year presses on with force. If you are emotional with either excitement
or disappointment at the start of school, imagine how your child feels.
The thing about a child’s emotions is that they don’t always
come out in the most expected way. For
instance a nervous child starting school may appear to be more aggressive
towards their siblings or you instead of showing anxiety. Your child may not even realize what is going
on inside or be able to give it a name but their behavior which is different
than normal clearly shows that something is amiss. So what is the best way to handle the start
of a new school year? Too many times
parents believe that shopping for stuff for school is one of the ways to deal
with the anxiety but it is not. Shopping
to calm anxiety only contributes to a problem later which sadly can turn into a
shopping addiction as an adult. But
there is a better way.
Mark the end. The
start of school is the end of summer so mark the event by doing something with
the family the weekend prior. It can be
nearly anything or a combination of small things just so long as the family is
together doing something that is mutually pleasing. Some ideas are spending a day at the beach,
taking a bike ride, watching a favorite movie, or having a family
cook-out. Again it does not have to be
anything outlandish just something that indicates to your child that things
will remain normal. One of the natural
concerns for a child is the fear that everything is going to be different in
some manner this year and they will not be able to handle whatever it is. By participating in a normal family activity,
your child will rest in knowing that some things will not change.
Don’t bug them. Even
though you may know they are nervous about school starting, don’t bug them
about it or force them to talk about it.
Rather allow them to talk about it in their own time even it if means
waking you up in the middle of the night.
But let them talk. This is not a
time for a lecture, for minimizing what they are feeling, or for talking about you;
this is a time to listen to them about their concerns. What you child needs to know now is that you
care about what they are feeling and you are available to listen to them when
they are troubled. They want to know
that what they are feeling is normal and if you assume what they are feeling
instead of listen to what they are feeling, you just might miss an opportunity
to connect emotionally with your child.
Be encouraging. It is always hard to encourage a child that
does not want to be encouraged but that does not mean you should not do it
anyway. Just because your child does not
receive the positive encouragement well and acts negatively in response does
not relieve you from the responsibility to encourage them. At some level it will sink in even if they
are resistant and angry at first. This
is just one of those times when you need to be the adult and give your child
what they need instead of what they ask for just like you did when they were
little and wanted a cookie before dinner.
Remember you said, “Dinner first and then the cookie”. So, encourage first instead of disciplining
their resistant and negative behavior. A
demonstration of grace and understanding will far outweigh any benefits of
discipline in this moment.
Put your emotions in check over the next few days and make
it less about how you are feeling about school starting and more about how your
child is feeling about school starting.
If you don’t, then your child will likely pick up on your emotion and
project that to you instead of focusing on their emotions. Instead they will suppress their emotions for
your more dominate and safe emotion.
This is dangerous because eventually their emotions will come out like
an explosion and you will quickly discover a whole other set of problems as a
result. So if you are excited or
disappointed about school starting, share it with your spouse not your child.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.